The process journal is to be a space for mental and emotional clearing. It is a space to write my insights throughout this journey.

So today I began this spiritual journey to a deeper relationship with my authentic self. The first thing I was asked to do was an assessment of my home based on a number of questions.

Assessment of my home

Room	Yes/No	Question
Bedroom	Yes	I feel safe, protected, and nourished in my bedroom.
	Yes	My bedroom is a haven for my soul.
	Yes	My dreams are insightful and provide a passage way to my inner realm.
	No	The clothes in my closet reflect who I am and who I desire to be.
	Yes	I truly relax and feel safe in my bedroom.
	Yes	I sleep well in my bedroom, and when I wake up in the morning, I am refreshed.
	Yes	All of the objects in my bedroom give me joy and contribute to my feeling balanced.
Kitchen	Yes	I feel energized, healthy, and vital in my kitchen.
	Yes	Food prepared in my kitchen looks and feels healthy and empowering
	Yes	My soul feels nourished in my kitchen
	Yes	I feel creative and get inspired when I prepare food
Bathroom	Yes	The energy in my bathroom feels cleansing and healing
	Yes	The bathroom is a place where I purify and renew myself.
	Yes	I feel comfortable and safe in my bathroom
	Most days yes	When I look in the mirror, I feel good about what I see.
Living Room	Yes	My living room is a safe haven for me.
	No	I love or use all the objects in this room.
	Yes	Friends and family feel great when they are here
	Yes	My living room is clutter free.
	No	It feels warm and inviting.
	No	My energy goes up with every object in the room.
Dining Room	Yes	When I eat it is a pleasant, sensual experience.
	Most of the time	I cherish and support my body by eating foods that empower my body and spirit.
Garage/Basement/Attic	No	I use or love the objects I have stored.
	No	The objects I have stored are used periodically.
General Home	Yes	It feels good to approach my front entrance.
	Yes	The entrance to my home is easily accessible and I use my front door.
	Yes	Every time I enter my home, I feel welcomed and my energy rises.
	Yes	My home is clean and cared for.
	Yes	My plants and animals are healthy and cared for.
	Yes	I love my home and feel great just being in it
	Yes	There are beautiful things in my home that make me feel good
	Yes	My home feels healthy and vibrant
	Yes	There are very few things that I am “putting up with” in my home environment.
	Yes	The photographs of people in my home are of people whom I love and cherish and who love and cherish me.
Question		If my home were an exterior representation of me and my life, what would it say about me? I think it would say warm, loving, simplistic, comfortable.
My Automobile	Does not apply	I love the environment of my vehicle and feel good when I am there
	Yes	I play radio stations/CDs/tapes that uplift, inspire and inform me.
	Does not apply	I feel protected in my vehicle.
	Does not apply	I care for my vehicle through periodic maintenance, cleaning and oil changes
My Work	Yes	I love my work
	Yes	I feel creative and inspired when I am at my work
	Yes	I really enjoy the other people with whom I work.
	Yes	I am not “putting up with” any person or work situation
	Yes	I feel no undue pressure, and I have the time to feel productive and joyous
	Yes	My place of employment is healthy for my body and soul
	Yes	I am constantly growing and learning new things
	Yes	I feel appreciated and supported by my boss, coworkers, and employees

Life Question:

Where am I now in my life: health, relationship, finances, career, creativity, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually?
Well, healthwise, hmm. I am not where I would like to be. aspects of my health are great, but others, well not so much. I have to lose weight and I have to use my walker more. It is just easier and less painful to use my wheelchair. My relationship with Zoe is wonderful. We will be celebrating our 10 year anniversary this coming December. Whoo hoo! My finances. Hmm, well I am not where I would like to be either. i was barely making it before, but since the cutbacks and the resultant 1/3 salary cut, I have to dip into my savings, which are minimal, each month. Things have been a bit easier since I sold my car, but that money is only going to make it through a few months. I am picking up a few writing jobs here and there, but I am still struggling. My career is in limbo at the moment. I know that my life is in a process of evolution, but I no longer see myself pursuing a teaching career, although I would be interested in a full time position at Brockport. The writing is going well, but thus far not paying. My reputation as an editor is beginning to grow and I have already been offered three editing jobs, thanks to Rev Dr. James Evans. Inspiritual’s readership is increasing as well, and the Creator has sent me a few people to work with, but the interest in the groups is minimal. I know in time that will change as well. on the other side, my creativity seems to be at an all time high. I am back to feeling inspired to write. I am writing poetry again, and my blogs, and have been thinking about a book on multi-sensory spiritual direction. Mentally, I am doing well. my brain still seems to be sharp and alert. Emotionally, I am doing well. The further I go in my own healing process and evolution, the more I am present and the less I am able to be pulled off center. and I feel closer to the Infinite now then I ever have. And for that I am so grateful.
Where would I like to be 28 days from now?
four weeks from now – hmm – I would like to have gained a deeper relationship with myself. I would like to have seen myself be a bit more proactive about updating my resume and applying for paying jobs. I would like to see myself using my walker more and being less dependent on my wheelchair. I would also like to see myself commit to redoing my wardrobe, which I have already done, and finding clothes that look more like my personality and not just find a shirt that fits and buy 15 of them. I would like to see me have a clearer vision of some of the seeds that have been growing in my spirit.
What steps or leaps do I need to make in my life to be able to get there?
Getting to most of these places will be much easier then I think in some respects. One thing I can do is to begin by leaving the wheelchair in the office and using my walker in the morning when my body is the most limber. Maybe set tiny walking goals that are manageable and achievable. And I can go through my closet and take out those clothes that I have not worn in the last year or do not fit or are not in wearable condition and then commit to buying one outfit a month. The other option is to self-nominate for What Not to Wear, but I so do not want to do that. I have been thinking about talking to the sales representative at City News and seeing if I could advertise one week a month. I really cannot afford them every week. That might help get the word out about what I am doing and go from there. I need to apply for at least 5 positions a week. I know it is a numbers game, so the more I apply for positions, the greater my chances of getting one. But before that I need to update my resume and make a customer service one as that is what people seem to be hiring most right now. I think I might also work on a website and a flyer about my editing and send it to local colleges/universities/seminaries and even my alma maters (UGA and CRCDS). Spiritually, I am doing well, but I do need to spend more quiet time with myself and God. I think I need to go back to taking early morning showers as this is such an awesome time between me and God.
Where I am I closest to being where I would like to be?
I am probably closest to being where I want to be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Where I am I farthest from where I want to be?
I am probably farthest from where I want to be physically, financially, and careerwise.
What does the purpose of my life seem to be?
The purpose of my life seems to be the Great Mother, the one who nutures, teaches and creates environments through which others can empower themselves.
What would I like my purpose to be?
I am content with my sense of purpose at this time in my life.
What am I passionate about?
there are a few things I feel passionate about. I feel passionate about transforming myself from the inside out. I believe in the words of Ghandi who challenged us to be the change we want to see in this world. so I am passionate about being more loving, compassionate, peaceful, and present.
What gives me immense joy?
What gives me immense joy in life is feeding others whether it is through the preparation of food, or through their ingestion of knowledge, or through revelations about themselves that allows them to feed themselves spiritually.
What is my spiritual source?
The Infinite Presence is the source of my strength and my creativity. There are times that I feel so in tune with the Spirit. I hear Spirit speaking to me through music, in poetry, in people’s voices, in nature, in images, and in objects. I can hear the inspiration and wisdom in secular writings and in sacred texts. I am finding myself increasingly drawn in by writings of ancient philosophers and ancient wisdom traditions.
Is my life consistent or in line with my values?
For the most part it is. there are moments that I catch myself judging, but then I make it a commercial and not a documentary.
How do other people see me? how do I see myself?
I perceive myself as a spiritual, caring, loving, intelligent, and compassionate human being. I tend to be very humble and grateful for every moment of every day. one of my prayers is that I never forget what it is like to be the least of thee. I never want to forget what others are going through and what it is like to have to struggle. I truly believe I was created to transform this world through unconditional love and non-violence.

I was not sure how others perceived me, so I took the plunge and asked some of my friends what they thought This is what they said
You are a peaceful spirit. You are funny. You are amazingly articulate and yet speak to people from a people place. I love that you are so willing to listen.
I like you optimistic personality
I like that you are non-judging, and that you tell me what I need to hear not what I want to hear. When I ask you about things in life, you always ask questions in return to get to the bottom of the feeling. Often it is frustrating for me, but because I have trust in you as a friend that you are going to give me the advice I need to hear I continue to answer those questions. We often go through life asking those around us questions for them to tell us what we want to hear, and we go to these people to feel better. I have learned from previous discussions with you that I continue to talk to you and ask questions of you because you do not judge, but you also don't bullshit you tell me the "raw truth.”
What do I like best about you: your spirit, your heart and your honesty
The thing I like best about you is your sweet nature. You are probably one of the sweetest and even natured people I know. Even when people are being bitches, you know. I would be like where is my machete, you are sweet natured and that is one of the traits I find most endearing.

So I guess my friends see me in similar ways to how I see myself. I was recently told that I meet the world with my heart and have ears that can see and eyes that can hear. That feedback for me was so powerful. It is what I try to be and so it was nice to hear that it was how this person perceived me as well.
What qualities would I use to describe who I am now?
I would describe myself as caring, compassionate, articulate, intelligent, loving, and forgiving.
What qualities describe the person I would like to be?
The one quality I would like to develop is courage. Sometimes my introversion gets in the way of my speaking my truth in large group settings or even in small groups at times.
What have I been putting off doing?
exercising, finding a job, getting clothes, working on the external
What do I need to forgive myself/forgive others for?
I need to forgive myself for allowing others to have abused me in the past and I need to forgive others for having abused me, lied to me, and being disrespectful.
What do I want to do with the remainder of my life?
I want to become more loving and work to make this world more loving, caring and compassionate place.
What is really important to me?
my relationship with the Creator, my family, my work and my friends.
What are my goals?
To develop a deeper relationship with the Creator, myself, and my wife.
I have been blessed with skills/gifts. What are they? I think I have been blessed with the gifts of teaching, listening and writing. I am also very technical and pick up on how to use new software pretty quickly. I
Am I using these skills/gifts?
I think I am

So having completed the assessment of my living space I came to this understanding that there are some spaces in the house that I feel safer and more drawn to then others, like my bedroom, office, guestroom, bathroom and kitchen. The living room, which we have not yet done anything to, is the place that I feel least comfortable. It feels least like either of us. but I think doing the questions is where I learned the most about myself. Having done a lot of this reflection while working through Stirring the Spiritual Waters, much of it I was already aware of. The thing that most surprised me, well not really, were the questions about my clothes. There are a few pieces that I really like and that feel like me, but for the most part, most of my clothes are things that I never wear because I do not feel comfortable in them. I have a few friends, who are also big gurls, who have the confidence to wear prints and patterns and I have never been able to give myself permission to do that. last week, I ordered a print dress and top and my friends were so supportive. One reason for not buying new clothes has been financial, I just can’t afford it. another reason had to do with me liking to be invisible. Like anybody is going to miss me in my wheelchair. I somehow have thought that wearing all black would make me invisible, it doesn’t. so, I decided recently that I need to have confidence and love my body the way it is and dress my body as if I love it.

I also came to realize that I need to take better care of myself. I will be there for everyone else and make sure there needs are met, but I have to be intentional about taking care of mine. I knew this and had begun to be more intentional recently about claiming time each night for me, where I just curl up in bed and read and crochet and have quiet time with myself and the Creator.

I need to look more at why I procrastinate about using my walker and applying for jobs. What am I really afraid of? What is the mental clutter that I need to get rid of that keeps me from wanting to succeed in these areas?

Update on 2011-04-26 02:00 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

Today become even more awre of the air aournd you, the way it feels on yourface, the way a leaf slowly floats through the breeze, the way the clouds drift on the currents, and the way you feel when you inhale and exhale.

Today, I commit to drinking a minimum of 64 ounces of water each day for at least the next 27 days.

My personal values are:

Love

Peace

Integrity

Wisdom

Creativity

Courage

Determination

Connection to family

Commitment to career

Today I commit to living in alignment with my values.

There are a few things I have been putting off working on or working on as consistently as I should.

One is exercising. It is not that I do not have a floor bike I can use or my walker that I can use to walk up to 100 feet at a time; it is that I just don’t. In part because it is easier and less painful to use my wheelchair then to walk. At the same time, I know that the less I walk, the harder it is to walk, and my not walking does not help me lose weightL.

Then there is the whole looking for a job thing. I just have not seen anything that sounds like me and then when I do they require transportation, which I do not have. I do not call liftline reliable transportation.

Not having a full time job with a real salary affects my not being able to redo my wardrobe. I really need some clothes that are in better shape, fit me better, and are more reflective of my personality and more professional. Most of what I have is casual or dress casual, but I do not have anything I could wear for a presentation or job interview.

The last thing I have been putting off is working on my book. I need to think through the outline of my book and claim time each day to work on it.

I think for this month, I am going to work on the exercising/walking thing and commit to 15 minutes a day of some combination of walking/biking. I may have to break that into three 5-minute sessions to start, but this is a good start and I know I can commit to that.

I am already receiving job announcements on a daily basis, and so I am going to commit to applying for at least 1 position a day beginning next week. I want to develop a few different resumes to suit a few different types of positions.

I am also going to work on my website for Inspiritual and develop a plan for corporate spirituality. I think this has the potential to be an income producing aspect of my business.

I am also going to finish by the end of April my website for SAJEWord and actively begin marketing my services there.

I am going to commit to buying or having made one new outfit a month to add to my wardrobe and by the end of summer have removed everything that does not fit or is beyond repair.

I am going to begin working on my book this summer once I have gotten my new online classes mounted. To assist me with this, I am going to look for a writing support group in Rochester.

Update on 2011-04-03 16:45 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

I am not sure that i learned anything new about myself. What was different was just putting it down on paper and owning it and then sharing my commitments with my family and friends. My new clothes arrived yesterday, well at least the beginning of my new wardrobe. So I am getting rid of all my worn out and tattered clothing. I think in doing so, it will help me feel brand new. The hardest part of yesterday was just owning it and then making a commitment to myself to begin working on those things which I have been putting off. The only thing standing between me and my growth was me. It made me realize that I had not been doing my best and thus I was breaking one of my four agreements which is to do my best. Rather then beat myself up for what I have not done, I am just committing to doing my best each day. If I do my best, then I know that I will continue to grow and evolve and as a result I will experience more love in myself and in my relationship with others.

Update on 2011-04-26 02:03 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

Today, was about decluttering. I had actually started this process a few weeks ago. I decluttered my bathroom. I got baskets and folded up all the towels and placed them neatly in the baskets. I got rid of all the towels that were threadbare and put them in a bag to go to Lollypop Farms. I took all the stuff that was on the top of the countertop and put the things we use on a regular basis in one basket on top of the countertop, so the balance of it was clear. I went through the bathroom cabinet and got rid of the few things that were in there which we had not used in 2 years or had no need for. While my bathroom has always felt good, I love the new and organized look and feel. Zoe and I also committed to slowly replacing all the old towels with new ones. we are also looking at a new shower organizer to hold things neatly in the shower.

As I had already made major progress on the bathroom, I decided today to take on my bedroom closet and my side of the bedroom. The funny thing is that although I did not ask her, I guess it was contagious because Zoe wound up doing her side right along with me J

So the bedroom is declutteredJ. The only other thing I want to do in the bedroom now is hang the pictures I bought. Going to get Zoë to do that in the morning. It felt so good to get rid of so much stuff. I went through my closet, my dresser, and my nightstand. Got rid of so much stuff and I guess the energy was contagious because Zoë offered to do hers as well. We wound up with four bags of clothes to go to good will and two bags to go to the trash. So now my closet seems so much emptier, but what are left are clothes that I like, that fit me, that match my personality, are in good shape and everything else is gone. So now, I have room for the new clothes that I have committed to buying. I have already bought two new dresses. Going to focus on separates and some other items. Also, going to go through my jewelry and get rid of stuff I do not wear or like. Decided to purchase an earring tree to put all my earrings on, as those are my favorite accessoriesJ. I love earrings. It was so much fun cleaning things out. I found myself feeling lighter and lighter as I went. Zoë took a few of the things I did not want anymore and I took two of her things that I have always loved and wished were mine. So that was also nice. My students are going to trip when I show up with a purple top on Tuesday night. Slowly but surely, my wardrobe is being de-blacked. I still like my basic black skirt and slacks, but my tops are taking on color and pattern and my dresses are definitely not the basic black dress, although I do still have one. So tomorrow, I am going to put the finishing touches on the bedroom that we did not get to today, clean the bathroom and start the week off on a fantastic note.

Update on 2011-04-26 12:27 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

When I read the affirmation for today, it reminded me of a poem I wrote a few years ago called I am enough. I updated the poem a few months ago when I was working my way through Stirring the Spiritual Waters. This is what I wrote:

I am enough

Sharon Jacobson

I am enough

to all those people

who have taken the time out of their lives

to tell me

where my deficiencies in life are,

I just want to say

thanks for your condemnations,

but

I am enough

to my brothers who have said that I am not Jacobson enough,

to my teachers who told me I was not smart enough

to the pastors who have told me that I was not straight enough or lesbian enough

to my ex-partners who have collectively told me I was not sexy enough, assertive enough, playful enough or forgiving enough

to the white people who tell me I am not white enough

and the black people who tell me I am not black enough

I want you to know, that no matter what you say, I know that I am enough

to those of you who told me that I was too much of something

to my father who told me I was too emotional

to those of you who have told me I am too serious

to my dean who told me I am too “out”

to those of you complain that I am too shy

to my colleagues who complain that I am too radical in my teaching

to those of you have complained because I am too whatever

I want you to know, that no matter what you say, I know that I am enough

I am enough,

because God made me the way she wanted me to be

she gave me enough words to make people feel loved

she gave me enough emotion to feel compassion for others

she gave me enough of every spiritual gift that I need to do hir will

She has given me enough of everything I need,

to be enough

so why are you so worried about what is wrong with me?

have you looked at your own life?

pick up a mirror and

look at your own life with the same critical edge that you look at mine?

I could tear each of you apart,

the way you have torn me

but I know that each of you is

enough and so am I.

It was interesting to be mindful today of what I was saying both externally and in my head. I can remember a time when I would have caught myself using more disempowering language then I was today. Whoo hoo! It was nice to see how far I had come. There were a few moments when I was mindful that I was thinking something judgmental. For example, on the bus when people were talking about some of the drivers that had been fired for cutting seat belts or having sex on the bus. I found myself thinking about why anyone would do that. Or when customers were talking about how they had been left behind in the past and I began thinking about this one dispatcher, who when I was left behind one night during a snowstorm, told me I don’t care how you get home you missed your bus. I found myself thinking how non-compassionate she was. Then I had to stop myself and think about things from her perspective. It made me wonder how many people say they missed their bus each day, how many people had been rude to her, what other things had happened in her life that day, and that helped me come back to a better place of understanding. Then I had to stop and think about why this was still bothering me so much and I decided I needed to forgive myself for being judgmental, forgive her for not being as compassionate as I would have liked. I began to think about all the times I might have come across as less compassionate as others would have liked me to be and began to pray for their forgiveness as well.

The second level of this was to think about my faults and transform them into gifts. I found that being a little bit harder for me. Not that I think I am perfect or anything, but for the most part I think I am a good person. One of the first things I thought about was how I have not been as proactive about looking for a job as I could have been. As I thought about it and talked about it with my partner one of the things I came to understand is that it is not that I have not been proactive, but I have been discerning in what I apply for. It is not that there are not jobs which are seeking workers, but I rarely find jobs in this area, at least while Zoë is in school, that seem as if they will utilize my gifts. So my applying for existent positions have been less about me not being proactive, but more about me being discerning. However, I also came to the realization that while I have also been looking for an appropriate job for me, I have also been proactive about creating opportunities for me to use my gifts. For example, applying for two supplemental pay positions at Brockport, creating Inspiritual, and creating SAJEword. All of which utilize my gifts and maximize my ability to be of service to others.

The other thing I initially saw as a fault was that I do not use my walker enough. I could not seem to find a word that captured what that is or what was at the root of it. As I talked about it what I came to realize was that I had fallen into this either or trap, rather seeing it as a both and situation. It is easier and less painful for me to use my chair; however, it is also healthier for me to use my walker as much as possible. So what I came to was that in times of speed or distance I would use my chair, however, I would also keep my walker by my desk and at least once every 90 minutes I would walk up and down the hallway for a few minutes to get some exercise and improve my circulation.

The positive in all this processing with my wife was some of the affirmations she had about how she had seen me transform some of what she had perceived as my faults. For example, I used to be overly trusting. I used to assume someone could be trusted until they proved otherwise. I am not jaded anymore, but I am a bit more skeptical and have come to the realization that I can love, but also have boundaries. The other thing I have learned how to do is have greater boundaries in my life. I have found a greater balance between time for work, time for Zoë, time with the Creator, and time for myself. She also talked about how I have become more assertive and speaking my truth. While these were things I have felt I had done as well, it was nice knowing that others were witnessing my evolution. One of the things she talked about was how sometimes my changes rubbed off on her, like the other day when my cleaning my closet and half of the bedroom motivated her to declutter hers.

The third level of this day was to reflect on my negative and positive core beliefs. So here is what I came up with:

Negative Core Values

I believe there are people in the world who discriminate against me and others based on a diversity of factors.

Positive Core Values

I believe that none of us has “THE” truth; we all have pieces of the truth and have much to learn from each other.
I believe that love for self and others changes things
I believe that we have all been exposed to misinformation, myself included.
I believe that I was created in the image of love, am love, and my purpose in life is to be love.
I believe I am who I was created to be and am doing what I was created to do in my life.
I believe I that all creations are worthy of being treated with dignity and respect.
I believe I have a beautiful, loving, and compassionate spirit.
I believe I am a work in progress and my spiritual evolution is ongoing and eternal.

Update on 2011-04-27 20:12 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

So I started my rolling in each room of my house paying attention to my energy levels. Where I felt energized and where I did not. What was I drawn to and what I was I drawn away from? so I started with my bedroom and the things that I was most drawn to were my pillows, which I made, my blanket which I am crocheting at the moment, my bamboo plant, and everything on my nightstand on my side of the bed. I love the nori on our bedroom wall. Interestingly, I found that I love the outer half of our curtains, but the inner half seems to turn me off. Otherwise, everything in my bedroom made me feel peaceful, relaxed, and serene so that is a good thing.

Next, it was down the hallway, which was neutral. We have talked about putting some artwork up there, but wanted to paint it first. We both hate the wall color. So maybe that is one of the projects to come.

The bathroom I love. For me it is clean and spa like and peaceful and I love how when you walk in you can smell the tree oil soap in the shower. It is one of those places that I love to go, sit, and just be. Others have said that as well. I love the shells on the sink, which bring me back to my childhood, and the tiles on the sink remind me of a collage of colors and a mix of stone and glass. These are probably two of my favorite rooms in the house.

The kitchen and dining room was next. What I found myself drawn to was the plants. They are so lifegiving to me. The color of the walls and the window coverings feel dead and so need to be replaced.

The living room I like and feel energized in with the exception of the curtains, the wall coloring, and the entertainment center. It needs some artwork; it seems to lack personality. So another project for us to work on.

I love my office, especially the futon, the furniture, the Buddha, the candles, the shells, and the teddy bear. I also love the curtains and the pillows. I want to rearrange the furniture and declutter the closet, but overall it is a peaceful room.

Our office. Hmm, I need to bring a plant in here, I find they are energizing for me, but overall I am energized by my side of the office and the room as a whole.

So then, I did the clutter questionnaire. I loved remembering that I am not my home. I was glad that I had just decluttered my bedroom and bathroom because I was able to answer these questions quite differently and I got what she was saying about how decluttering changes the energy level in the room. I got rid of four bags of clothes, which were donated, and two bags of clothes, which went to the trash, and it felt wonderful. Now I have room to find clothes I will wear, that I love and that look good on me and no longer buy every color of something or 10 of something because it is cheap and fits.

Room	Yes/no	Statement
Bedroom	Yes	I wear the clothes in my closet. in other words, I do not have stacks of clothes I do not wear because: They do not fit but might someday. I paid a lot for them. They might come back in style. They were a special gift.
	Yes	I feel satisfied with the organization of my bedroom and bedroom closet.
	Yes	The space beneath my bed is clear.
Bathroom	Yes	I only keep medicines in my medicine cabinet that are not past their expiration date.
	Yes	The items in my medicine cabinet have been used in the past year (such as perfume, shaving cream, and so forth)
	Yes	My bathroom cupboards and the area beneath the sink are clutter free.
Kitchen	Yes	The appliances (toaster, refrigerator, coffeemaker, and so on) are in good repair.
	Yes	My kitchen counters, cupboards, and floors are clean
	Yes	The food in the cupboard is less then a year old.
General Home	Yes	My home is in good repair (no cracked windows, faulty plumbing, leading roof, and so on).
	Yes	I am able to find things easily without a long search
	Yes	I do not have piles of magazines and newspapers that I have not read.
	Yes	I do not have spare parts to things that are unknown to me.
	Yes	I do not have stacks of things I have been meaning to fix.
	Yes	I only buy things that I need (and not things that I already have but have forgotten about).
	Yes	I complete the projects I start. (In other words, there are not a lot of unfinished or unstarted projects lying about.)
Vehicle	n/a	My vehicle is in good repair.
	n/a	I change the oil regularly
	n/a	I rotate the tires and have a tune up
	n/a	My car is clutter free.
Desk/Office	Yes	My desktop is organized and clear.
	Yes	My papers are neat and filed.
	Yes	Piles of papers on my desk stay no longer then two weeks.
	Yes	My bills are paid and/or I have a plan to pay them.
	No	I am debt free
	Yes	I spend my money wisely
	Yes	I am up to date with my taxes and/or have a plan to pay them.
	No	My computer files are the only ones I need and use (in other words, there is not a lot of computer clutter.)
	yes	I declutter my files periodically

Having done this I realized I had no clue what was even in my medicine cabinet. When I went to check there was very little, so I realized I could use this as an additional storage space and move a few things off our bathroom counter top – just a baby decluttering step. But every step counts.

While my kitchen floors and cupboards are clean, I also realized that there were a few things on my countertops that could go in the cupboards so that got moved off today and it makes it look so much cleaner. I also decided to go through this binder in my kitchen that has recipes I have printed off. There were duplicates in there and lots of recipes I no longer make. So those went in the recycling bin.

The other thing I decided to do was to begin going through all my books and cd’s and dvd/videos and those we were no longer using/reading/had need for would go on amazon.com or half.com.

I also realized it has been a few months since I went through the files in the file cabinet, so that is my major decluttering project for this week. That and going through the files on my computer – one folder at a time and decluttering or better organizing

It felt so good to do my bathroom and bedroom, especially my closet, so I know it will make me feel good to declutter the few remaining areas in my life.

Update on 2011-04-27 22:03 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

Ok, so I had to laugh as I read the journey for today. Hmm. take 15 minutes to breathe and do nothing. I woke up this morning feeling the need to do that, so I did. I have found myself doing that quite a bit lately. Or taking a few minutes to just sit at my desk today and listen to the birds chirping.

There was a point in time in my life where my plate was overflowing and if I thought about my life as a piece of paper, there were no margins on it. There was no space in my life and I felt drained and burnt out and unappreciated. So I made some major changes in my life and cleared my plate, being very mindful from that point on what I put on it. So now, I spend more time relaxing with myself, with the Creator, with my wife and friends. As I have restored balance in my life, I have found a renewed passion for that which I am doing. I am always excited about working with people, with teaching, with writing and with editing. What a blessing to have joy in every aspect of my life. I feel as though I am breathing in a whole new way.

So today, I had already decided to clear off the top of my desk and put books back where they belong. However, I also went through the files in the file cabinets and got rid of stuff that was no longer needed. I know that as I clear out the excess, I am also making room for the abundance, which is to come into my life in terms of my writing, my work with Inspiritual, and with my teaching. The best is yet to come and the more room I make for it in my life, the more the drala can rain on me. I have to laugh sometimes now because it seems like I wake up feeling the need to do something and then I go to read my book and it is what I am supposed to do next. What an awesome feeling.

Update on 2011-04-29 02:07 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

Today was one of those awesome days that reminded me how I am doing exactly what I was created to do. It was a day of confirmation. Meeting with a potentially new client was awesome because I was reminded of how life giving and energizing it is for me and how energizing the space I meet clients in is for me. Every event in my life today brought me back to love, nurturing, spirit, and partnership. I had to laugh once again as the universe keeps unfolding itself for me and what I am feeling called to do during the day is what I am asked to do. Lol.

My purpose in life is to be the great spiritual mother. This was the easiest thing. And yes, my whole body vibrates with energy as a think, speak, and write this. There is clarity about this, which I cannot explain. It just is.

I had to laugh when I got to the work for level three as I have been working on a deck of soul collage cards for the longest time. I had taken a break from them, and realized that this is my season to continue my deck and continue the collection of images and words which affirm my purpose in life as the great mother.

Update on 2011-04-30 22:51 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

I think the single most life-shaping event was one I was more the product of, than a participant in – my birth was. I was born of a Jewish mother and a black father. The societal beliefs of the time led to my being ultimately being adopted by a white Jewish family. While my biraciality was concealed from me for many years, I feel that I had some cultural memory of my mixed heritage. As a child, I used to draw myself as light brown and have always felt at home in the black community. The decision to come out as biracial was a political and spiritual issue. It was not about denying my whiteness, but about being proud of my blackness. It was about refusing to deny any part of who I was and to strive to celebrate the wholeness and fullness of who I am as a human being and who the Creator called me to be. It was also about challenging the binary way of thinking that permeates our society – that you are one or the other – I am not an either/or – I am a both/and kind of person. Spiritually, my coming out as biracial has helped me to have a different understanding of sacred writings and to understand the cultural struggles of other biracial individuals. In a world, where an increasing number of people are joining in interracial marriages and giving birth to biracial children, there is a need to help others know what a spiritual gift being biracial is. I once wrote about how Jesus was both divine and human. It has also helped me to have a greater understanding of why Jesus was constantly challenging them.

Another life-changing event in my life was in October 1989 when one of my clients attacked me because somebody had told him I was a lesbian. He bashed in the back of my knees with a steel cane. He hated me because of a label, and that single word made him feel as if he had the power to destroy me. This contributed to a gradual decline in the health of my knees, limited my ability to do stairs for a long period. However, I truly consider surviving this attack a blessing. It is a constant reminder of how God is constantly watching over me. My colleagues jumped in and pulled this client off me. I had not talked much about this event with other people, until Matthew Shepard was murdered. His death made me realize that I had to speak up and out. That I could not be silent about hatred; that individual abusers prayed for my silence; systemic abusers prayed for my silence; that in my silence I condone what I know to be wrong. I cannot be silent, because when I condone inequality, when I do not speak out and do what I can, then I am in some respects allowing what happened to me to happen to others.

Another life shaping events was March 5, 2003. I was arrested along with my pastor at that time for protesting the war. While I have learned a great deal since the arrest, it was what happened to me that day will stay with me forever. I will not go into all the reasons that I was a part of this protest, but I knew without any doubt that I had to do this. I did not want to go; I was concerned about being able to sit and get up or stand for long periods. It had been a while since I had been arrested for civil disobedience. My partner and my dad were supportive, although they both asked me to try to stay safe and not get hurt. That morning I overslept and did not have time to take my painkillers or eat breakfast. However, the whole time I was standing there, I felt no pain. My knees stayed strong and I felt no pain even in the bitter cold wind. There were times that I could literally feel the Creator holding me up. It was after the arrest when I was moving from the police station to the jail, however, that the most transforming event of all occurred. I had to walk up this steep hill and I was not sure I could make it in my cuffed state. I took a Moment to pray and God’s help. When I opened up my eyes, I saw Jesus walking ahead of carrying the cross. At that very Moment, I knew that the Creator was with me, that the Creator had not forsaken me, and that all would be well. No matter what happened, all would be well. I continue to know that all the obstacles to achieving the plans the Creator has for my life have been or will be cleared away as I journey towards them. I just need to have faith. Being in the jail, even for a few hours was an experience that I will never forget. I do not look forward to spending time in jail again, but I would gladly do so if it were what the Creator was calling me to do. Listening to the stories of the other young women who were in jail for other reasons also made me realize how blessed I have been in my life.

Another life-changing event was October 15, 2006, the day I lost the feeling in my right leg and the ability to drive. I remember this day as if it was yesterday. I had just gotten back from convocation in Los Angeles and walked into the building where the church was at the time and opened the door to my office. As I did, I felt this pain shoot down my back and leg. The pain was followed by complete numbness and I could not use my right leg. I was in this state of disbelief and shock at the time. All I could think about was how my Bishop at that time would be here with his entourage shortly and I had a worship service to lead. It was a crazy time. I somehow managed to make it through and people drove my car home. I barely made it out of the building into Zoë’s car. Now, I look back on it and I am so grateful that we were in the building we were, that I have the wife that I do. Now using a wheelchair most of the time, I am grateful for this gift and the blessing it has been in my life. I have met so many amazing people who speak to me just because I have a disability. I have learned how to advocate for others and myself. I can speak to issues of disability rights, as I was not able to before and be heard in a very different way. I have an understanding of the privileges I once had as an able bodied person which I no longer have access to and am able to educate others about the importance of accessibility. What could have become something else, has become a blessing and an important part of my ministry.

As I think about the recurring emotion in my life it is gratitude. I have maintained this ability in the midst of all my life changing moments of looking for the gift in all things. I think this comes from my grandmother who would teach me how when you could see the blessing in a situation then you knew you would be ok.

Update on 2011-04-30 23:48 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

Started the events for today by taking a shower and scrubbing my body and scalp. It always feels so good. As I did, I imagined myself scrubbing off that which was blocking me from achieving all that was ahead of me. There is something invigorating about water and how it allows the soap to cleanse you and make you feel clean, fresh, and invigorated.

I had to laugh as I read the second level for today because I had done that in my processing for yesterdays journal (smile). I am going to spend the next few hours doing more cleaning and decluttering and making room for light and energy in my life. Then I am going to take some time to curl up in bed and read, crochet, and watch television. I do not have any sticks around to make a spirit stick with, but it does sound awesome, so I will make plans to go to find one and begin working on it.

Update on 2011-05-02 00:46 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

So today was all about reflecting on the zappers and juicers in my life. the zappers are those people or things who drain me of energy and the juicers are those people or things who energize me. While I know this is my personal journal, i am also mindful that there may be some people who read this who may be on my juicer or zapper list. So while I have reflected on who and what are what, it is not something I am going to share with anyone but myself.

Update on 2011-05-02 01:01 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

while i have chosen not to reveal who the zapper and juicer people are in my life, i thought it would be ok to share the things that zap and juice my energy

Thing/Task	0 Real Zapper	1	2	3	4	5 Neutral	6	7	8	9	10 Real Juicer
Writing											xx
Scrabble										xx
Cooking											xx
Teaching										xx
Reading										xx
Crocheting										xx
Meditating											xx
Showering										xx
Grading						xx
Grocery shopping									xx
Decorating								xx
Cleaning						xx
Dinners with friends									xx
Playing Games									xx
Listening to Music									xx
Drumming									xx

There really are no things I am doing at present that zap me, most are neutral or juicers, so I continue to plan on doing more of them.

Update on 2011-05-30 21:22 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

One of the things I have come to realize about myself is that I have this tendency to put the needs of others before my own. Writing in my journal is a great example of this. Rather then make this the first thing I do in my day, it became something I was doing after I got everything else done for everybody else. I have found that I have the greatest peace in my life when I put things in the proper priority – the Creator, self, family and friends, work. While I have been good about putting the Creator first, the self I needed to put back in 2^nd place where it belongs. I cannot be there for others, if I am not first taking care of myself. As I was thinking about this, I remembered how the airline attendants who tell you to put the mask on your face first and then help someone else. Also, a scripture says before you pull the speck out of your neighbor’s eye; pull it out of your own first. So today I affirm the need to make myself a priority in my life, because I am worthy of taking care of myself.

The second thing the book asked me to do was to reflect on the following questions: (My responses are in italics.

Have I had any negative recurring relationship patterns in the past?
Oh absolutely. I used to be afraid to tell people when I was angry for fear they would leave me. In fact, I used to be afraid to speak my truth about anything out of fear of being abandoned. I would also allow others to speak to me in ways that were not respectful, loving, or kind.
Have those patterns healed, or are they still repeating in my present life?
I have worked hard at healing all of them so they are no longer repeating in my present life.
If there was something I could do to heal or resolve this relationship issues, what would it be (for example, accept it).
Currently, I have healed and resolved these former patterns. The one thing I am intentional about now is no longer allowing them to creep back in my life. If someone attempts to speak to me in a manner that is disrespectful, unloving, or unkind, I stop the conversation and leave the setting. I no longer allow people to treat me in an abusive manner. I now speak my truth in love in all situations. It was not an easy journey getting to this place, but I am so proud of myself for releasing my fears and walking into a fuller sense of love for others and myself.
What qualities do I constantly judge in others? (Often our recurring judgments of others say more about ourselves then them. also the moment you judge someone, you lose the power to influence or help them.)
Maybe this is judging, not sure, but sometimes I wonder why people stay in dysfunctional relationships. I then catch myself on it, and remind myself that it took me time to stop abusing myself and it will take others the time as well. Nobody could make me leave or help myself. I had to decide that for myself. To make decisions or them to me is saying I do not respect you or think enough of you to think you can find your way out of or through this.
What do I need to communicate and to whom?
I need to communicate to myself that I have the power to reinvent my body and encourage myself to do so a little bit each day.
Is there anyone I need to seek forgiveness from or need to thank?
I need to thank my wife one more time for loving me unconditionally. I need to seek forgiveness from Stacey for not making her feel welcome the last time she was here.
Is there anyone in my life I need to express love towards?
I need to be more loving with Karlief. Sometimes his neediness for material things is hard. In part because there are things I would like to have and do not. I realize he needs love. However, at the same time, I am working on weeding the energy zappers from my life and he tends to be one of them.
Is there anyone for which I need to make amends? What is stopping me?
I don’t think so. I think I have done most of that work. It was not always easy, but it was something I knew I needed to do to move forward in my own journey.
Is there a valued relationship in my past that faded away because I failed to tell someone something? What does it cost me if I tell them? What does it cost me if I do not tell them? Am I willing to take the risk?
I can’t think of anyone. Some relationships ended because I spoke my truth in love. However, others I was able to resume relationship with because I spoke my truth in love.
Who or what do I need to forgive, accept, or release?
I need to forgive my dentist for sexually abusing me and I need to release my fear of dentists.
Am I willing to let go of needing to be right?
I do not feel the need to be right. I know I do not have all the truth and am constantly growing and learning from others.
Do I unconditionally accept with humor and love all my relationship patterns?
I think so. Even when I catch myself doing something like judging, I am grateful that I am even aware of it, acknowledge it, and release it. I am also mindful of how the times between these moments seem to be getting longer and longer.
Am I willing to release the need for those patterns?
Yes. However, I am also aware that the changing of any habit or pattern is a process. So I am giving myself permission to reinvent my body, mind, spirit, and soul over time.

One of the people I have a challenging relationship with is Karlief. He has a sweet spirit; however, there are a few behaviors of his that make me not want to spend time with him. One of them is his repetitive phone calls. He does not just call me once, but will call me numerous times in a row and at times, which I deem inappropriate (i.e. 11:30 pm or 1 am). Even though I have talked to him about this numerous times, it continues and that frustrates me. At the same time, I realize he has special needs and try to be accommodating. It also frustrates me when he calls me and tells me he wants me to host a party so he has a place to go on a holiday (like Memorial Day or Thanksgiving). Finally, I do not appreciate it when he tries to invite himself on a date with my wife and I. I do have friends that may call me late at night, but it is generally only when there is something important they want to talk to me about (i.e. someone died or is in the hospital) or they asked before hand if they could call me later that night. I understand his need for opportunities for socialization; however, I find that I have a problem when people tell me I need to have a party for them. I enjoy doing things for people because I want to, not because I have to or feel like I should do so out of a sense of obligation. While there have been times in other relationships when I have realized that this is about me in the situation, I am not sure that this is true here. I understand that he wishes he had someone special in his life as well, however, there are times that I want to be alone with my wife and enjoy our date together as a couple. As I stopped and thought about this a bit more, maybe for me this is in part about control. I want to be in control of my home and time with my wife. The other part of it is my need to be treated with respect and feel as if I am being heard. Then I come back to this question of whether he can respect my boundaries, which I think he can, or am I frustrated at him for not doing something he cannot do.

For level three, we were to think about our relationship with our parents and with the Creator. In doing so, we were asked to reflect on these questions.

1. If it is true that we choose our parents, then why might I have chosen mine? What have I gained or learned from having them as my parents?
That is a complicated question for me to answer. I think I chose my birth parents because they taught me that love, or at least lust, has no preference for color. This is something that has been with me since I was born. While they never had a chance to parent me beyond the time I was born, they did teach me to love people for who they are as human beings, not based on a category that was constructed by society. I think I chose my foster parents because they taught me to be affectionate and that there would always be someone in my life who would love me. While I do not remember much about their time in my life, I recently had the chance to read things they wrote about me as an infant and it was affirming to know that much of how I am now is how I was then. My parents who raised me, Roslyn and Avram, I think I chose because they taught me the importance of love and being willing to step off the path of least resistance. I think I chose my mom because she always had this radical nature in her. She went against her parent’s wishes, the temple’s wishes, and the norms of the time when she agreed to bring me home. She also made history at her workplace becoming the first female buyer. My father taught me that while I might not always pick the right person for me, the Creator would. He often times wondered if he was the right person for my mom, but at the end of her life, when she needed him the most, he was everything she ever needed. My wife is like that for me. Through all I have been through, she has been there – in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer.

2. How do I feel about them?
I love all of them for different reasons. The ones I miss the most, however, are my parents who raised me – Roslyn and Avram. Their love for me was unconditional ad was mine. I would give anything to have just one more day with them. I miss them so much.

3. How do I perceive that they feel about me?
Given the things they said to me while they were alive, I know they were proud of me and loved me. After my mom died, my father became my biggest cheerleader and always let me know how proud he was of me and how much he loved me.

4. Is love flowing between me and my parents? If not, do I feel the need to heal this relationship? What do I need to do for this to happen?
Even though they have been gone for a while, I still feel their love and their presence in my life. I did all my healing work with them while they were alive.

5. What beliefs about life have I adopted from my parents? Are those beliefs an accurate reflection of what I know to be true?
My parents taught me to always be loving, patient, and kind. My mom taught me to enjoy cooking and creating and feeding people’s souls. My father taught me to value writing and the power of words. They taught me that God is greater then any single denomination and that I did not need anyone else to have a relationship with Spirit. They taught me to be true to who I am, to speak my truth in love, and to never go to bed angry. These are still true for me today.

Thinking about my relationship with the Creator, I was asked to reflect on the following:

1. From who, what, or where do I get my spiritual inspiration?
I get my spiritual inspiration from so many different sources. It comes from things I see, smell, taste, read, and watch. It comes from people I like and those I do not. It comes from the rain, the snow, the sun, and the sky. It comes from nature and those things created. There is not A thing or source that inspires me. Life and everything in it inspires me.

2. What is my name for the Creator?
The Creator or the Infinite Presence or God

3. What do I want spirit to know about me?
I will go and do whatever you need me to do. I am grateful for your presence in my life. I am grateful for the way you speak to me in the silence and guide my words and steps. I just want to say thank you for all you have done, are doing, and have yet to do in me and through me.

4. If I have conditions for Spirit in my life, what are they?
I have no expectations or conditions for Spirit in my life.

5. Am I willing to let go and let Spirit completely guide my life?
Absolutely.

Update on 2011-05-31 18:31 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

One of the songs I have been singing in my head this week is slow down you move too fast. You gotta make the morning last. So here I am opening my book today and reading about slowing down. We were to take one thing and slow it down. So today, I decided to take a 15-minute shower. I really needed one of those long luxurious showers. The shower this morning was awesome. Zoë came and scrubbed the back of my legs and my back for me. That felt so good, especially as the back of my legs are the one place I have a hard time reaching. As she scrubbed my legs, I could feel the old skin washing away making room for the new skin and growth. It reminded me of what we did in the garden yesterday, pulling out the old to make room for the new. The water washing over me was so soothing, relaxing and refreshing. I find the smell of the tea tree so refreshing. At the same time, there was a real recognition of the gap between how I perceive my body to be when I am sitting and the reality of standing. When I am standing, I am cognizant of the loss of feeling in my right leg and the focus it takes to stand. The longer I stood the more discomfort I began to experience in my back. On the one hand, standing was liberating, but painful and on the other side sitting was comforting.

As we did not go anywhere today, the only ones I interacted with were Zoë and two friends, one by phone and one by IM. My interactions with the latter two reminded me of the importance of seeing with one’s ears and hearing with one’s eyes. With the friend who IM’ed me, I found myself hearing what she was typing and found myself making sure that I was hearing what she was feeling. As I did this, I found myself feeling so connected to Spirit. I came to see how much she had grown and was humbled as she reflected on how my words and teachings over the last several months had resonated in her spirit. With my friend who called me, I found myself closing my eyes and seeing her speak and I realized that seeing her face as we spoke helped me to feel as if I were more present with her then just listening to a voice on the end of the phone. With Zoë, I am constantly reminded of how intentional she is about including me in all the major decisions we make. Like today, we had to finalize the new home insurance agent. She affirmed for me that she values me and my opinion. While I always knew that, today I became more mindful of her being intentional about letting me know that. what has been interesting to me is how much I learned because I just slowed down and allowed myself to be more fully present then I had been.

Denise Linn talked about how it takes courage to do nothing in this harried world. so often, we think about what is on our to do list, who do we need to call, what do we need to do, etc. so today, even though there were things to file, manuscripts to edit, a course to prep, and housecleaning to do, I decided to take myself out into the sun for an hour and read a book. It might not have exactly been nothing. Reading is something. Breathing is something. However, reading this book was for me. It was about me slowing down my life enough to make my life a priority. And so I did and it was good.

Update on 2011-06-02 03:39 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

I always have to laugh when I go to read the “assignments” for today and they are what I have been doing all day anyway. For example, one thing was to genuinely expressing gratitude for those who I appreciate and to be mindful of all that I have to be grateful for today. While I can remember a time when I found myself focusing on what I lacked, I have for quite some time now been focused on what I have, my blessings, my gifts, my abundance. It is amazing how often I feel so amazingly blessed and how often my cup feels as if it is just overflowing with blessings.

There are so many things I am grateful for. One part of this assignment was to make a list of the things I am grateful for and the other is to make a list of those things I am not grateful for. The job was then to transform the latter into a gratitude. So I guess I am grateful that I could not think of anything I am not grateful for. It is such a blessing when you can see the blessings in even a “bad” situation. My Bubby used to say when you could see the blessing in a bad situation then you know you are going to be ok. She taught me to always see the blessings. She got me in the habit of giving thanks in all circumstances. So I was able to give thanks for my back and knee injuries because they have made me a more understanding and compassionate human being. I am grateful that I am able to identify with those who others may view as the least of thee. I am grateful for every day that I wake up. I am grateful for my aches and pains because I am alive to feel them. I am grateful for my friends, family, and those who love me unconditionally. I am grateful for my son who filled such a gap in my life. I am grateful for the memories of my parents that live in my heart and to which I can turn when I miss their presence. I am grateful for my wife of 10 years whose love for me is unconditional. I am grateful for our babies who bring such joy into my life. I am grateful for my spiritual family who are my daughters and sons. I am grateful for my students who keep me learning and growing. I am grateful for my gift of writing through which I give birth to what is in my heart. I am grateful for every breath I take. I am grateful for so many things. I am even grateful that I have the capacity to be grateful I am grateful that I get to do all the things I love most in life in my life. I am grateful that I was created in the image of the Creator who is love.

I am grateful that I can now look in the mirror, say I love you Sharon, know it, and no longer hear this voice in the back of my head saying otherwise. I am beautiful inside and out and I am so grateful that I can now look in the mirror of the Creator and see that beauty. I am grateful that I have stopped internalizing the poison of society that would tell me otherwise, but drink the nectar of the Creator that reminds me everyday how beautiful I am. I am created in the image of the Creator who is love and love is always beautiful.

Update on 2011-06-03 02:11 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

Ok, so it was a bit later in the day then I had planned to do my journaling for today. However, once again I had to laugh as I read the writing for today because it was what I found myself doing. For example, I got picked up by the paratransit service Liftline this morning at 9:35 am to go to the public market to buy fresh produce and I was so looking forward to it. I got on the bus and as we took off, my driver said, we had a few people to pick up and drop off on the way to the market. Long story short, I arrived at the market at 10:48 am and my return bus was 10:50 am. No shopping got done. I found myself thinking for a moment how frustrating that was. However, as I sat there for a few minutes in between buses, I remembered that there had to have been a reason for this. So I gave thanks for the time out of the house, the scenic and not so scenic tour of Rochester and the very quick ride home.

My noble question for today would be this – what can I do to live my life more abundantly in terms of my health, finances, and spiritual well-being?

There are a number of times in my past when I felt like a victim. While I no longer feel that way, I can remember when I did. Like Denise wrote about in her book, I can also remember the moment when I decided to take my power back and think differently about the situation. One of them was the day I was gang raped. This is not an experience that I would wish on any woman. However, I am not a rape victim. I am a rape survivor. I experienced a lot that moment and the time after when others were attempting to blame me for what others had done to me. One of the hardest things was having to sit in classes with the same boys who a few days before had violated me and in doing so tried to steal my power. I gained a number of things from that experience. I gained the understanding that I am far more powerful then the single worst thing that could happen to me. I gained the understanding that I am a survivor. While I worked with my therapist to resolve my feelings and move through them, I came to the understanding of how strong I can be. I held my head high the entire time I was in high school and never let them steal my power or my strength. It has also made me a far more compassionate human being, an awesome teacher, and given me the courage to speak truth about rape from the pulpit when I was preaching. My breaking the silence has changed other women’s lives as it gave them the courage to break their silence and begin to release their internalized shame.

For a while, I allowed myself to see myself as a victim. However, through the love of my family, friends, and therapist, I came to the place where I stopped blaming myself for what had happened. I saw myself as a survivor, a young woman of strength, not a victim. I realized that as long as I stayed in victim mode, I was continuing to allow these young men to continue to rape me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. As one of my favorite writers, Don Miguel Ruiz says, others can only abuse you to the extent you are willing to abuse myself. While I had no control over what they did to me, I did and do have control over how I speak about it and see myself in it. I am a survivor. One of the things I remember was my Bubby, Yiddish for grandmother, telling me that I needed to pray for my healing and for the healing of those who had raped me. For years, I did that until I came to the place where I knew I was healed and could tell my story without going back to that space emotionally. The amazing thing for me was something that happened when my father passed away. I was sitting at the table working on the eulogy for his service when there was a knock on my door. It was one of the men who had raped me in high school. He had come to pay his condolences, bring a covered dish for me to eat, and tell me he was sorry. He and I will never be friends; however, there was a peace that came in taking my forgiveness to the next level and knowing that prayer changes things. While I will never forget what happened, I was able to tell him how it had affected my life. I found the power and the strength to speak my truth from a place of power and love. I am a survivor. As Helen Reddy used to sing, “I am woman, hear me roar.” When I spoke to him that day, it might have been a quiet roar, but it was a roar.

At the age of 54, there have been a number of pivotal events in my life. one of them I just wrote about and I have to say it was hard to say that I chose this event, however, I can own that I chose how I responded to this event, how I lived this event, how I incorporated this event into my life. I chose how this even has become a part of my life. I chose this as much as I chose to start my former church and as much as I chose to leave my pastorate. I chose to live with two herniated disks in my back and I chose to have two bad knees. I chose to lose my mother my first semester in seminary and I chose to lose my father my last semester in seminary. I chose to have my best friends, my first partner, and my goddaughter pass away in a short time span. I chose to be raped and gang raped. I also chose to be a teacher, a woman of faith, and an ordained Reverend. I chose to journey from compulsive liar to seeker of truth. I chose to earn four degrees and to push myself academically. I chose to become healthy after eating my way towards morbidity. I chose to work my way through this book going full throttle. I chose to be me, the beautiful loving spirit that I am. I chose and choose life every moment of every day. Ever moment in my life is pivotal and I have chosen and continue to choose each one.

Update on 2011-06-03 21:05 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

I feel as if I say this all the time, but working my way through this book is scary at times. I had just finished reflecting on the last water exercise and knew that I would be beginning the fire week today. As I was sitting here thinking about going to bed, I felt this surge of energy going through my body and I started thinking about walking and moving and how that was one of the things I really wanted to do this week. Be more intentional about walking up and down the hall about every 60-90 minutes. Then I began the readings for today and this week and voila, one of the suggested goals was to change routines and increase activity. The Creator has this amazing sense of humor.

So the first thing was to make a list of all those things we are afraid of, so here goes:

I am afraid of being too famous.
I am afraid of being invisible.
I am afraid of not having money to retire on.
I am afraid of falling when going up or down the stairs.
I am afraid of falling in general.
I am afraid of public speaking.
I am afraid of never having a full time job again.
I am afraid of having my writing rejected.

There may be some other things, but at present this is what I am aware of. My biggest fear is that of falling going up or down the stairs or falling in general. The thing that I am most afraid of is falling, especially going up or down the stairs. that fear comes not from falling itself, but from what might happen to my back or knees if I fell. I am not supposed to do stairs at all. the other day, however, I had to go up and down a flight of five stairs. while that might not seem like anything to anybody else, for me doing that was huge and unbelievably scary. It was the first time in 5 years I had climbed a stair. I think the fear was ever present because the last time I did a single stair at a friends house I fell and was sore for days. I did not fall this time, although I had to spend significant time (2 days) in bed and on pain killers (not my idea of fun). The blessing in it all is that I was able to do it and not fall, so that helped to alleviate some of the fear. The other and more immediate blessing was the circle of friends and strangers that encircled me and helped me to experience grace in community as I went up and down and they made sure I did not fall. The thing that I learned from this is that not only could I release my fear and move through it, but that in the midst of my moving through my own fears, I was providing others with an opportunity to be of service. some of my friends who have never seen me do stairs or even walk as far as I was able to that night were amazed at how far I have come as I strive to reinvent my body. Even in the midst of my fear, I have learned to see the blessings and that is a wonderful thing.

The funny thing is that all the things I have a fear of I have come to realize I am doing anyway. Like I used to have this fear of wearing form fitting clothes or things that were not black. So a few weeks ago when I decluttered my closet, I got rid of all that stuff and have been replacing it with prints and colors. I wanted my clothes to make a statement about me and my personality. I am beautiful just as I am. one of the things that gave me the courage to do this was some of my drag friends who are also plus size and wear these amazing prints. I used to be jealous of them and then it hit me that I too could have the confidence to wear these amazing prints. I just had to choose to do so and now I am. I can choose to walk up and down the hallway. I can choose to try a stair without assistance now and then. I can choose to apply for more jobs. I may face a lot of rejection like the author of Dr Seuss books, but eventually someone will appreciate the gifts I bring to the table and want me to work for them full time. I have to have faith in knowing that there are employers who will see beyond my physical abilities and appearance and appreciate my intelligence and my gifts. I am worthy of being a full time employee somewhere and would bring so much to the table.

I have been thinking a lot about writing professionally. I have some great ideas for magazine articles, especially on spirituality. I have not submitted anything for fear of rejection. However, I was thinking about how three times in the last 2 months my blogs have been featured on Martha Stewart’s wholeliving.com website. When I stopped and thought about this, I came to realize that my writing does have the potential to be published. If I do not submit it to places then it cannot be published. If I do not apply for positions then I cannot be hired. So today, I am going to expand my horizons outside of Rochester and apply for a job and identify a magazine that I might want to write for and submit something.

Update on 2011-06-11 23:09 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

The question I have been reflecting on today is what do I like and how I can make my life more fun and enjoyable. There are lots of things I enjoy doing, reading, writing, crocheting, cooking, baking, and time with friends. I tend to be a very serious and introspective person, so infusing fun and enjoyment into my life and the things I do is important. Last Saturday, I laughed so often and so much my sides were hurting. I think I wore myself out sleeping. I have also found that when I am having a hard time, it has been helpful to make myself laugh about something. My wife is a closet comic and always makes me laugh. I have found that sometimes, when I am feeling worn out, if I watch something funny, I get reenergized.

The other thing we were to work on was to do something out of character for us. so I bought a purple shirt and a teal shirt. I normally wear all black. Now for most people that might not seem like much, but for me wearing a non-black outfit is a big thing. I have been trying to do that a bit more recently, but it is still an intentional effort to do so.

Probably the one habit I would like to change is showering as soon as I get up. Sometimes I will wait until about an hour before I have to go somewhere and then shower. Not sure why that is because I feel so much better after I shower. So starting tomorrow, I am going to shower when I wake up.

Update on 2011-06-13 01:22 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

So these are the things I have found myself telling myself I should do today.

I should take a shower.

Who says I should? I do.
Why should I? Because I am feeling kind of funky at the moment and taking a shower always makes me feel better.
I could take a shower and I did.

I should change my bed linens.

Who says I should? I do.
Why should I? Because it has been way too long and they may soon walk off the bed on their own.
I could change my linens and I did.

I should work on my syllabus.

Who says I should? I do.
Why should I? Because the class begins in a few weeks and I have not yet made it a priority.
I could work on it today, but I am choosing to wait until next week when my copy of the book arrives.

I should work on editing Rodney’s paper.

Who says I should? I do.
Why should I? Because he paid me to do so and I have not yet made working on it a priority.
I could work on his paper but I am choosing to spend some time playing today.

I should answer the phone every time it rings.

Who says I should? I am not sure; I think it is just something I grew up believing.
Why should I? I don’t have to if I don’t want to. Sometimes I don’t, like if I am eating or spending time with Zoë, or with a client.
I could answer the phone, but I am choosing not to at this moment.

I should take a nap.

Who says I should? I am.
Why should I? Because I am sitting here yawning. I think I woke up too early this morning.
I could take a nap and I am choosing to do so at this point.

What are my secrets that I don’t want anyone to know? Lol. Well if I write them here then everyone will know them, but since I am always playing full out and really trying to liberate my soul, here goes. My guess is nobody but me will really care.

Like I rarely talk about the fact that I was married to a man for seven years. It was not one of the most pleasant times in my life and I rarely talk about it or mention it. The other day I told a friend of mine in the context of talking about something else and she didn’t blink an eye. It was as if I had just said the sky was blue or the dirt is brown.

My family was full of secrets growing up, especially around my father’s alcoholism, my being bi-racial, and my being a lesbian. Those were the three things we were not supposed to speak about. Unfortunately, for my parents I did. My father and I had long conversations about his alcoholism once he was sober and talked about the impact of his drinking on our family and on me. It was so healing and liberating to have those conversations with him. Doing so totally changed the nature of our relationship. My mother seemed to have a harder time with my being a lesbian in the beginning, although once she realized there was more to my relationship then just sex everything changed between us and we became very close. The one thing my parents never wanted to talk about was my being biracial. My brothers now know, but they do not like talking about it. Being so light skinned and able to pass as white would make it easy to keep it a secret, however, I am all about not keeping secrets. While I do not walk around with a t-shirt that says hi I am a biracial lesbian, if the subject comes up then I am open about it. I am not sure that I have a whole lot of secrets that I have not begun speaking about. My life is my life – the things I am proud of and the things I am not. While I may not talk about all things with all people, I am open to talking about the entirety of my life with those I love and trust.

So I am supposed to talk about my sexual history – the good, the bad, and the ugly. As far as I know my firs sexual experience was when I was three. I was sexually abused by my dentist. While my mother was in another room, he attempted to put his penis in my mouth. I remember him telling me he was going to show me a new way of brushing my teeth. I gagged and threw up on him. I don’t remember much more about that day. I do, however, remember that my parents never took me back to see him again. However, for decades I had a fear of dentists and brushing my teeth. I still struggle with taking the best care of my teeth. I still have to take an anti-anxiety drug before I go to the dentist. I am much better with it all, but it is still a struggle some days. I absolutely hate flossing; it reminds me of pulling public hairs out of my teeth.

My second sexual experience was when I was 13. I was gang raped by several young men that I went to school with. I do not exactly know how many there were as I think I passed out at some point in the experience. The rape laws were very different now then they were then and everyone blamed me for what happened. I am grateful for my therapists across the years who helped me and my family who supported me. However, it made going to school very difficult as often I wound up in classes with the same boys who raped me.

Age 13 was also the year of my first lesbian experience. I guess you could say it was one of the best and worst years of my life. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. My BFF friend Lin invited me to her house and we had a glass of wine and began looking at her father’s playboy magazines. She asked me if I had ever kissed a girl and I said no and then we kissed and for the first time in my life I understood all my other friends and what they were talking about feeling when they first kissed a boy. At some level, I understood though that this was not something I could tell all my other friends about. It was our secret. We had a relationship of sort until she died when she was 20. We both would go out with guys periodically, more for appearance then anything else. When we graduated from high school, we moved in with each other until she died. She was killed when she was hit head on by a drunk driver. She was the first woman I ever loved.

After Lin died my life spiraled out of control on so many levels, sexually was just one of them. I was hurting and that combined with the freedom of women’s liberation found me in a place where I was more focused on fulfilling my sexual needs then having any kind of relationship. One of the guys I met who helped me grieve Lin’s death and the death of my goddaughter Heather was Steven. While I was never attracted to him sexually, I loved him for who he was and what he was doing in my life. Then he got sick and almost died. I remember him saying he would not have the surgery unless I agreed to marry him, so I did, – I could not stand for him to die. I realized afterwards that marrying him would not be fair to either of us and had planned to call it off. However, he was paralyzed and in a coma for a while and didn’t feel as if I could do that to him while he was in that condition. By the time he had come out of the coma and regained the ability to walk, I had given into the expectations of others. It was the seven worst years of my life, as I watched him battle an addiction to heroin and then methadone. He also became abusive and would rape me at night if he was horny and I was not willing. I slowly saved up the money and developed a plan to leave him and I did.

After Steven there was a string of one night stands with men and women whose names I do not remember. The only one I remember was Diane who while I was not interested in having a relationship with her for a diversity of reasons, was awesome as a lover. She truly was one of the most passionate and exciting women I have ever been with sexually.

There were a number of women I dated, but never had sexual relations with and there were a number of women who wanted to have relations with me, but I was not interested. Then I entered my serial monogamy stage in my life. There was Vicky. She and I were together about 7 years before we broke up. Then there was Lu and we were together for about 9 years before we broke up. Then there was Zoë and we are still together and have been for what will be 10 years in December. The plan is that she will be my last sexual partner and I will be hers.

So what is my fantasy sexual day in the future? Lol. Well my birthday is in a few days, so I would love a day of being pampered. Breakfast in bed, followed by a full body massage, and a day of cuddling, spooning, and intimacy. Anybody reading this will have to make up their own details

Update on 2011-06-14 15:08 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

My question to meditate on Monday was what is happening right now, in this moment? As long as I am fully present in the moment, I cannot be stressed by the past or the future. So my goal today is to stay focused in the present moment. It was hard not to stay focused on the present Monday because I was sick. It is hard not to be fully present when you have what my mother used to call two-pot disease. If you do not know what it is, then use your imagination. I laid down to wrap myself in the light of the Infinite and fell asleep, partly because I felt so relaxed and partly because I felt so sick. No dancing as suggested for a couple of reasons – [a] not feeling like dancing and [b] hard to do in my wheelchair. However, I did imagine myself doing that and it put me back to sleep. High impact dreaming.

Update on 2011-06-14 21:25 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

So today I took an old picture of myself and set fire to it and as I did I reminded myself that I am not my body. I am not my identity. I am Divine light. That is it pure and simple. That is what I am. I am Divine Light. I can change my body and my identity; however, I can never change the reality that I am Divine light.

So the questions we were to reflect on today were:

Are you ready to die today? Today, yes I am. Not because I am sick, but because I am at peace with who I am today. Tomorrow may be different, but for today, I am ready.

Do you feel complete and at peace with the life you have lived? For the most part yes.

If not, what would you have liked to have done differently? My ego wishes that I had been more successful at pastoring the church. However, my spirit knows it was no longer what I was supposed to do and so I am at peace with that.

What would you have done less of and what would you have done more of? I wish I could be of greater service to humanity, however, I know I have done what I can with what I have been given.

What I do know about my death is this, regardless of how I die, I want people to celebrate my life and the work that I have done while I am here. I have had numerous dreams about dying in my life. I have seen myself having heart attacks, being shot, being run down, having a stroke, and just dying in my sleep. I know that I am ready to go whenever it is my time. Until then, my goal is to be love, to help others love themselves and to transform this world one act of love at a time.

Update on 2011-06-16 03:30 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

So today was all about just being a spiritual being and showing love and compassion to others. The hardest part about today was being conscious of what I was doing and how I was feeling and then writing about it. I strive to be loving, kind, and giving in all that I do. I always remember the scripture from Matthew 25 and the story from the beginning of The Mastery of Love that reminds us to be mindful of what we do for the least of thee.

So today, I was there for a friend who needed to talk and process and that made me feel good that he trusts me enough to allow me to walk on his journey with him.

I also agree to write a letter for a friend who is seeking to transform his life and become a nurse.

I watched my wife sleep this afternoon, knowing she was feeling drained for some reason.

I had dinner delivered to a friend who had eye surgery today.

I made sure my cats had treats and food.

I lifted a prayer up for a young man who is dying at a local hospital.

I helped Zoë take the trash out tonight and pushed the heaviest of it down the driveway with my wheelchair.

There might have been other things I am not aware of, however, what I do know is that today, like every other day was about me being a loving and giving being. I also sent a donation to an organization that I feel passionate about anonymously.

All of this felt like a blessing. I have been given so much in my life. There is this feeling of love and light when I am able to share it with others.

Update on 2011-06-17 00:46 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

My soul collage. The assignment for level one was to pick a color that I was feeling and a color that represented what I want to be feeling and then draw a picture of what my soul was telling me with these colors. The funny thing is that my color would be the same – shades of yellow which for me are about energy and light. so I decide to do something a bit different and create this collage of images that for me are about positive energy, love and light as this is what my soul is feeling right now.

My doodling. So I was to take two sheets of paper and while listening to music doodle on one sheet with my right hand and then on the other one doodle with my left. I was then to compare them and reflect on what messages I learned.

What i saw when i looked at both these images were reflections of what is important to me -love -- heart shaped doodles on both sides which for me are about love and compassion. Growth as there seems to be this plant like doodle on the left and sun on the right. I saw the values that are important to me on both sides -- peace, love, light, colors that were positive and energetic. lots of things that were circular in nature which for me is about completeness. Recognition of that which gives me balance in my life -- light, love, balance, peace and positive energy.

My vision seed map. So I was to create this collage of images that make me feel abundant. Abundance is an internal feeling. There was a song I remember singing which said let the poor say they are rich, let the weak say they are strong. This feeling comes from a sense of internal abundance. So this is my vision seed map.

Update on 2011-06-17 20:41 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

My body awareness list.

Yes	No	Criteria
xx		I am comfortable in my body
xx		My body feels good most of the time.
	xx	My body is an outer representation of my inner sense of being. (If not, what aspects of your body do reflect your inner state and what aspects do not?)
xx		My spirit feels alive, energetic, and evolving. In a sense, my body is moving towards that, but has not caught up with how I feel on the inside. I think my eyes most express how I feel on the inside.
xx		When I am in physical discomfort, I know that my body is trying to tell me something and I take time to listen to it.
xx		Sometimes I negatively judge my body
	xx	I love and cherish my body.
	xx	I am content with my weight.
	xx	My weight is within a healthy range for my body and age.
	xx	I do great things to cherish and honor my body.
xx		I have had a complete and thorough physical check up in the last couple of years.
	xx	My teeth are in great shape and I get periodic cleanings and checkups
	xx	I floss regularly
xx		I am happy with my hair, nails, and skin.
xx		My eyesight is good (or comma, if you wear glasses) or my prescription is appropriate for my eyes.
xx		I hear well.
xx		My organs (heart, liver, kidneys, pancreas, spleen, and so forth) are all in excellent health.
xx		My cholesterol count is healthy.
xx		My blood pressure is in a good range for my age.
xx		My digestive system is excellent.
xx		I do not smoke.
xx		I do not take habit-forming drugs.
xx		My sugar intake is appropriate for my body.
xx		My alcohol intake is appropriate for my body.
	xx	I walk or exercise at least three times a week.
xx		I take time to breathe fully and deeply.
xx		My body handles the stress in my life well.
	xx	I have no habits that contribute to poor health.
xx		I get plenty of sleep to fulfill the needs of my body.
	xx	My colon health is healthy. (That is, I get a colonoscopy every 10 years after age of 50 unless I am at high risk.)
	xx	I have had my yearly pap smear.
xx		I am confident with my ability to do a breast exam on myself and I do it on a periodic timetable.
xx		I have had my bone density tested at least by age 50 (DEXA scan)

My commitment for this week is to use my resistance band and shake weight three times a week.

The messages from my body and soul today were:

So one thing I learned is that I should not be thinking about these things as I go to sleep. I spent a good bit of the night having these dreamlike discussions with my body. When I woke up this morning, I had all of these thoughts standing in line in my head-saying listen to me, your leg wants you to know this; your arm wants you to know this. It was quite an interesting way to wake up. Sometimes a message would come and another part of my brain would say, yeah her right arm wants her to know that as well. one of the messages that came through loud and clear from just about every part of my body is that I need to drink more water and if I could flavor it with some lemon sometime that would be awesome. The consensus seemed to be for about one glass of water per hour. Several parts of my body asked to be lotioned after every washing, especially my arms, hands, feet and legs. My nails asked to be trimmed more often and my hair said it wanted to grow again and would I please stop cutting it all off; a periodic trim would be fine. However, it missed being able to blow in the wind. My teeth and gums asked to be brushed at least once a day for now, although they would really like it if I worked up to 3 times a day and would be thrilled if I could go back to using those little toothpicks to floss between my teeth. They do like the toothpaste and mouthwash I am using. My mouth also asked me to start going to a dentist again. My eyes are thrilled with how well I treat them. My legs told me to use them more often and build up those muscles. My arms want me to use weights and help them be less flabby. My liver said it liked the milk thistle, keep taking it. My wrist and finger told me I should let the doctor look at them. They are worth spending the money on they told me. My heart said I should listen to my arms and legs and let it exercise more. My body in general seemed pleased that I have been losing weight. My stomach and intestines told me to up my fiber intake and eat more salad. Also, I should not wait more then 30 minute between taking my pills and eating breakfast in the morning. Stop procrastinating. Love the new clothes, they look fabulous and feel so good. I know this is not always under your control, but can we have some sex a bit more often and can you keep us lubricated and btw it has been a while since you had a pap smear. Maybe you should talk to Dr. Connolly about that and about a colonoscopy and bone density scan and breast exam. And cut back on the pizza it really does taste like greasy cardboard these days.

My soul says thank you for listening and taking the quiet time to just be with me. Thank you for listening to me when I tell you to reach out to someone. Thank you for being patient, gentle, and kind with others. Thank you for slowing down because you were moving way too fast. Thank you for pushing yourself to evolve and grow and bringing others along in your journey. Thank you for always being willing to be of service. So this is what I need you to do, keep evolving, keep moving through. Keep being fearless. Keep growing. Keep being the best you that you can be. And always know you are love.

Update on 2011-06-19 15:20 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

Well, I did not get to journal yesterday as we were having Zoe's party and it started and ended earlier then expected. However, it was an awesome day and one that Zoe and I will both remember for years to come. So, today, I am back on track and will come back later and talk about what i learned today.

Update on 2011-06-20 16:22 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

So yesterday was one of those days when there was not much to write about. It was more things to do. So I started by dry scrubbing my body before showering so I could rinse all the dead skin off and open up the pores. I have never done that before. While it felt good, I am not sure I noticed a difference afterwards. I did focus on drinking more water and made sure I added segments of lemon as well. This was easy as it is something I enjoy doing anyway. Tried to stay focused on eating foods that make me feel energized, so stayed focused on green salads, cole slaw, and fresh fruits and vegetables. Although I was craving some of my low carb macaroni salad last night when we got home from the pageant so I had some of that as well. However, I am trying to be more mindful this week about what I eat and drink and trying to drink at least one glass of water per hour.

Update on 2011-06-21 03:21 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

On the one hand, this week has been interesting thus far in that I am not sure what to say in this process journal. On the other hand, I have been surprised by how much of what Linn suggests doing with one’s body, I have already been doing. Maybe that is why I prefer using my wheelchair to my walker. It allows my body to stay in a place of peace and comfort and joy. Walking can be painful and difficult and I am sure I look that way when I am moving. At the same time, I like using my walker sometimes, especially on the weekends as it allows me to go places and do things that require minimal walking when I do not have access to para transit services. I have also realized that I have already been good about taking time every couple of hours to relax and rejuvenate. So today was neat in that, I got to be conscious of what I am already doing to keep my body healthy and strong.

Update on 2011-06-21 21:25 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

I always find it interesting when I wake up and do what is in store for me today in this journey before I ever open the book. The first thing I did this morning was write my blog about the instructions to growing a plant and how those are similar to us growing spiritually. Then I went outside and noticed that one of my plants that I had set on the porch was not doing well. although it had been watered, it was not responding well to the direct sunlight. So I brought it in the house, set it in the sink and bathed it in cool water. I gently sprayed down the leaves, soaked the soil, and apologized to it for putting it to close to the sun. When I came back to it a few hours later, it was a live and perky and the leaves were lifted as if they were giving thanks for its baptism and resurrection.

I was reading the second part of the exercise and was intrigued by her discussion of shape shifting and imagining yourself as something else and then writing about what it felt like. I have been reading John Perkins book on shapeshifting, so her use of this term caught my attention. I began to envision myself as my peace plant this morning and could feel the stress of being in an environment that was not conducive to me. as I did, I could feel my leaves drooping and browning. I could feel myself wanting to live and grow, yet struggling to stay positive in the heat. I could hear myself crying out for help and relief. Then I saw this light come from above and offered me a cooling and refreshing drink. I found myself responding to the coolness of the environment, the love that had been offered to me, the gentle bathing of my leaves. Then I felt this body removing that from me which had been damaged. With each removal, the voice would say please forgive me and I will never allow you to be harmed like this again. I knew I was being cared for, loved, and nurtured. I am now sitting in my natural state of peace and giving thanks to the one who is my eternal protector.

What I found myself most wanting to connect with today was water. Interest, how in a week about earth, I am feeling called to the water. Water too is a part of nature, so I spent time at the sink with my hands in the water and I could imagine myself as this goldfish swimming around and exploring the boundaries of my bowl and swimming in and out the nooks and crannies there were to explore. I could feel the water flowing in and through me. there was this peacefulness as I knew I was safe and then there was this sense of excitement as food started sprinkling into my bowl from the heavens and I found myself swimming in exhilaration as I gathered the flakes and gave thanks for the nourishment that would enable me to stay strong and healthy enough to stay swimming. And so I swim and give thanks with each movement of my fins and gills. What an awesome day to be a fish in this world.

Update on 2011-06-23 02:06 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

I will be writing about this in my joy journal as well, however, I am always amazed at the synchronicity of what I decide to do the night before and what I read the next morning. Like yesterday, we put up pictures of seashells and a beach scene in the bathroom and today one of the assignments was to put up a picture of nature. Lol. Zoë and I have been working together to slowly decluttered every drawer and room in our home. We both have our sacred spaces where we go to rejuvenate. I have found that I enjoy going for a roll around the block and getting some fresh air and being alone with the spirit. I also find the toilet; believe it of not, a sacred space. Nobody bothers me there and I am quiet and constantly inspired. I have an altar in the Inspiritual office. It has things that remind me of important things, times, and people in my life. it has symbols of my parents love for me, shells from various times near the water, candles to help me stay focused and centered, a water fountain to help me stay connected to the water, my peace plant which reminds me to stay peaceful and centered, and my copper colander which reminds me to allow things to wash off of me. What I find so amazing is how much of what we are being asked to do at this point is stuff I am already doing. Hmm, I wonder what that means.

Update on 2011-06-24 18:02 by Rev Dr Sharon Jacobson

Gurl, I am so proud of you. When I look back over the past year, I am amazed at how far you have come. You set that realistic goal of losing one pound a week and now you are there, weighing less then 250 for the first time in a very long time. If you keep it up in another two to three years you will be down to where you wanted to be. Keep it up. You and Zoë are both to be commended. You are both looking so good and keeping each other so healthy. Whoever thought at year 11 you would be going so strong in your relationship. And look at how well Inspiritual is doing. You published your first year’s collection of reflections and have already sold 555 copies. You know five always was your lucky number. The coffee cups were a great idea – who ever thought you would raise almost $3000 for Inspiritual this year. You have been working for how2connect.com for almost a year now and that has been great for business. Your readership is up to over 100 people a day and that is amazing. You and Zoë are now both working full time, the bills are paid off and you are getting ready to buy a mini van for the two of you and have it hand controlled. What a blessing this year has been. The new cookbook is going well and I love the way you have it organized with sections for recipes < 15, <30 and under <45 grams of carbs in each section. While I know it was hard to leave Rochester, living in Seattle has been a blessing. Zoë loves her new job and you seem to be so happy working for Damon. It is great living near, but not in the city. So keep it up gurl because I know the best is yet to come.

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