Dear God,
This week has been such a challenge, well actually the last few weeks. Bruce’s passing pierced my heart in a way I cannot even begin to explain. I am so grateful he is no longer suffering, but there are not words to explain the ways he touched my heart. He was one of the first of Zoe’s family that I met and we bonded immediately at Rose’s funeral. Funny, it was he and Joanie who welcomed me into the family from day one. Never a question or a comment. Bruce began calling me cousin Sharon from day one. My heart is filled with memories we created together. From the time he let me hold and comfort him at Rose’s funeral to the day he wept from his heart at a plate of Lemon Drop cookies. I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to know this groovy kind of guy. Nobody can say it like he can. Maybe that is why I love Maryanna so much, she always says she is a groovy kind of gal. Too bad they never met.
I think about all the people have made transition this week. Bruce, Michael who came to live with you again at the young age of 17, and Jerry who like Bruce fought a long battle with cancer. I don’t understand this disease. I don’t understand why people die when they do. I don’t understand why there are some deaths which sadden me and others that leave a whole in my heart that I just cannot explain. I just don’t understand and I am not sure I ever will, other than to know that there work here on earth was done.
I don’t understand how some people just know it is there time. I guess I will understand when it is mine. My Bubby knew. Even when it looked like she was getting better, she knew it was her time. It didn’t matter that the doctors told her she was going home with Zady and I the next day. She knew she was going home, but not in this realm.
I don’t understand how spirits can talk to you. I remember standing at the foot of Rose’s bed and hearing her speak to me for the first time in years. She had not wanted to even acknowledge me while I was with Zoe, but standing at the foot of her bed it was me her Spirit came to speak to and tell me what she needed to hear from her girls.
I don’t understand much about death, other than how much it hurts to lose someone you love with all your heart and soul. Here is one more thing I don’t know. Why now? Why during a month when I have been practicing sitting in and acknowledging the mysteries in my life. Why in this midst of this, do you plunk all these other mysteries in my life. Why does Nancy have to grieve the loss of her husband, when she is still grieving the loss of her son. Why did a healthy 17-year-old have to come to be with you again? Why do some people have diseases that eat at and destroy their lives and others do not? Why?
Why did I survive dually obstructed kidneys and make a remarkable recovery and others I know have not able to survive passing a kidney stone? There are so many things I just do not know, and may never know. All I know is that you are the great I am and you know and understand things I never will. Because I love you and trust you, I find comfort and peace in the not knowing because I know you will guide me where I need to go next in my journey and help me find my way even when I feel as if I am in the darkness