So I am sitting here thinking about the word practice. I have come to realize that I have this love hate relationship with the word. On the one hand I realize I cannot master anything if I do not practice. I cannot make something a habit unless I do it so often that it becomes part of my daily routine. There are things which I have practiced doing so often and for so long that I now just do them automatically.
My spiritual journey has been filled with opportunities to practice. It has not always been easy, but it has been important that I remain true to my practice. Several years ago I remember a friend of mine wrote about keeping a gratitude journal for November. It prompted me to keep one daily, not just in November. At first doing so daily was not easy. There were days I did not want to do it, but I pushed myself through and now it is just part of my practice and if I do not do it, I feel off. It is like something is incomplete and missing in my day.
This next phase for me to work on is my walking. I know for some it is automatic, it is what you do and how you get around. For me, it is challenging, uncomfortable and not at all easy. Even with my walker I have this fear that I am going to fall and further injure my back. My brain seems to want to avoid walking because it is risky and painful. However, I know it is what I have to practice doing again so I can continue to improve my health and continue to be of service.
In all honesty, the idea of practicing walking does not excite me. There is a part of my brain which seems to focus on falling, the energy it takes to think my bad leg into moving, the pain I feel during and after, and how much time I could save by just using my wheelchair. At the same time, I know that it is what I am being led to work on next. I know it will be rigorous. I know it will not be easy. I know I will have to make a great effort physically, emotionally, and mentally to approach this as a gift and a way of honoring my relationship with the Ultimate.
I wish I could say I am excited about re-embracing this part of my journey. It is one I have started and stopped several times. What I have come to realize is that this time, I need to both practice walking but also practice thinking about each step as a gift. I know that each step I take is in faith as I have no idea where my leg is when I am thinking it into moving. Maybe I need to remember that I am worthy of giving myself this gift. Maybe I need to remember that I am worthy of regaining some of my abilities. Maybe I just need to remember that I am worthy.