The other day I was going through some of my old poetry and found a poem I had written years ago, actually more like decades ago. I called it Afraid. I am not sure why it spoke to me. Perhaps it is because a friend asked me the other day what I am afraid of. So that question amongst others is what I have been meditating about this week. Sometimes I wish my brain would not be so deep and reflective, but that is how I am choosing to be at this time in my journey.
It is interesting to look back and see the things I was afraid of and how much I have grown in my journey. The poem I wrote 20 some odd years ago was about the fears I was embodying from my being given up for adoption and some of the comments I had internalized from others and allowed to become toxic in my life. Reading this poem, I am finding myself having mixed feelings. I am proud of myself for having the courage to have put my fears out there and writing about what they are and where they came from in my life. I found myself thinking about all the people in my life who I had allowed to create these feelings and then forgiving them and forgiving myself one last time. Then I thought about how proud I am for the work that I have done to release these fears. In celebration of where I am now, I have written a new poem in response to my old one.
Afraid
I
Go Through Life Afraid
Afraid To Fail
Afraid To Succeed
Afraid To Laugh
Afraid To Cry
Afraid To Reach Out
Afraid To Be
Touched.
I Left Your Womb
And You Left Me
Afraid
Unable To Ask Why
Going Through Life Never
Knowing
Why?
Afraid To Know
Afraid To Get
Close
Afraid People Will Leave
Afraid Of Being
Rejected
Neglected
And
Unloved
Afraid Of Being Alone Yet
Afraid To Be With
Others.
I Am Tired Of Being Afraid
I Am No Longer Afraid To Cry
I Do That Well
But Laughter Avoids Me
I Fear People Will Laugh At My
Laugh|
The Mother Person Said
“You Sound Like A Dying Seal”
I Am No Longer Afraid To Give,
But I Tremble At
Receiving.
I Tell Myself You Are Wonderful.
I Am So Glad You Were
Born.
I Am So Glad
You Are A Little Girl.
I
Will Always Be Here For You.
And
The Little Voice In The Back Of My Head
Says Bullshit.
Released from Fear
I go through
life with freedom
knowing how to say I can
instead of I cannot
knowing I can laugh when I need
to
and express any
emotion I need to
knowing I can reach out
and knowing I can
allow others to reach in.
I have given birth to myself
and I will never leave
or abandon myself
I no longer need to ask anyone else why
I know the answers I need
are within
me
I am excited about getting to
know others
I am excited about
allowing others to know me
whether people stay in my life
or go
is about them
not me
and
I no longer take it personally
I can be by myself and be at
peace
I can be with
others and experience joy.
I am excited about how far I have come
I can now express any emotions
or feelings I have
and know I am not
my feelings
I can laugh until my sides hurt
yes I have a unique laugh once
I get going,
but that is part
of what makes me, me
I can give
and I can receive.
I remind myself that I am
greater then I can even envision.
that I am divine
by design because I was designed by the Divine.
that the
infinite smiled the day I was born.
that
I am a piece of art in process.
And the little voice in the back of my head says, “Yes you are and you are love.”