I Wasn’t Even There

December 6, 2025 Sharon Jacobson

I Wasn’t Even There

I wasn’t even there,
when he died,
but I knew it before my brother called.
I couldn't sleep,
I tossed and turned,
then I felt the blood drain out of me
and then I was at peace.
I knew he was gone.
It had happened twice before.
I was writing my dissertation
when I felt this wave of cold,
followed by the peace.
I called my friend
and she said I knew you would know.
he told me you would.
He just passed.
Then there was the morning my mother died.
I kept having dreams I was being held.
I could hear her telling me goodbye
and thanking me for saying her goodbyes.
I knew this day was coming.
I had dreamt of doing her funeral
and then my father called and
said she was gone.
I may not have been there,
for any of them,
but I was
and they knew it
and so did i.
sometimes we are there
even when we are not.
Being there is not about our bodies,
but about our souls.
it's why I can say
I wasn’t even there
when I was.

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When It’s My Time

November 15, 2025 Sharon Jacobson

When It’s My Time

I remember when my father was grieving
the loss of his wife and my mother.
He would wake up having nightmares
about not knowing what to do
or how to plan for his own time.
We worked together and planned
where he would live
and what I would say at his funeral.
A few days ago, I remembered
the 24th anniversary of my mother’s passing.
Remembering her bought back so many memories
and then questions.
Questions about when it’s my time.
I am not afraid to go to the next realm,
but I worry about going first
and leaving Zoe here without me.
But when it’s my time,
it will be my time.
I want to give back to this world
that has blessed me with so much.
I want what can be used by others
to be used.
I want what is left to be buried with
rainbow hostas on campus
and I want people to tell stories
about me and my legacy.
stories about what I taught them,
about meals I made them,
about times I touched their lives.
I want people to know they are not alone.
I want people to meet people
connect, comfort, and celebrate with each other.
I have not wanted much in my life,
but to do what I can to make this world a better place.
I had no control over the legacy I inherited,
but I realized long ago,
I had control over what I leave behind.
I hope no matter how or when I go,
that I leave behind a legacy
filled with people who remember
me with love, light, and laughter.
Until then,
I will keep living my life,
working to raise the vibrational frequency in this world
and letting others know I am grateful
for their presence in my life
and the love they have shown me.
I will do all this
until it is my time.

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Spring

February 7, 2025 Sharon Jacobson

Spring

Nothing can hold back the spring
Rev Callan once preached.
The snow,
the ice,
the cold weather,
none of it can hold back the spring.

The spring,
like a new beginning will come,
and nothing can hold it back.
Life,
like the seasons,
is filled with newness.
A newness that emerges
from what was,
what the rain could not wash away,
what the snow could not conceal,
what nothing could eliminate or destroy.
Nothing can hold back the spring,
just as nothing can hold back the changes
that time will bring.
The next spring may be different then the last,
but it like all the others
is a season of beginnings,
of rebirth,
of resiliency,
of newness
of hope
and of promise.
It may not come as quickly as we wish,
but this much I know to be true.
Nothing can hold back the spring.

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Pouring Libations

July 23, 2018 Sharon Jacobson

One of my favorite theologians is Henri Nouwen. His writing is simplistic, but powerful. He brings you into his life and allows you to walk with him in his life through every possible emotion. You learn, cry, laugh, feel compassion, and grow with him in his and your own journey. The last few years have been hard for me and for my family. I have had to say good bye to over thirty friends, acquaintances and loved ones.

There are days I have wondered if I would ever stop grieving. I still wake up some mornings wishing my parents who transitioned in 2001 and 2005, my first two funerals, were still here. Sometimes I just want to pick up the phone and call them. There is not a day that I look at our prayer and meditation garden and do not think of my friend Laura who committed suicide about 18 months ago. She helped us move so much dirt into that garden and planted a butterfly bush, which stayed green in the snow when she passed over. Losing so many people the last few years has reminded me of my own mortality.

Alone

October 19, 2012 Sharon Jacobson

One of my homework questions was how did you feel when you heard don Miguel Ruiz say, “You are born alone, you grow up alone and you will die alone”? I am not sure how to describe what I was feeling. There is a part of me that was like ok, am I supposed to feel surprised, upset, or scared. The part of that sentence that scared me the most was that I might die alone. Then I was like ok, so what. I am never alone. The Infinite is always with me, so even when there is not another human being with me, I am never alone. I am always with me, so I am never alone.

To my friend Aaronette

August 18, 2012 Sharon Jacobson

I am sitting here this morning trying to take in the news that you are no longer with us. It is not as if you were sick, you weren’t. Your not being with us in this realm anymore reminds me of how precious life is. How many times have I really thought about how blessed I am to wake up? I am grateful, however, somehow hearing the news that you have transitioned to the next realm of being, was a wake up call for me. This morning, I truly am grateful for another day to be of service to the world. After I got through the initial shock of it all, I could hear a few voices floating through my head. One was my Bubby asking me, “So Sara Bella what are you grateful for?” that is so easy. I am grateful I had the chance to meet you and get to know you. It brings me back in time to when I was pastoring at TPUFC and you would bring groups of students up to our church. I remember all the conversations we had about life, spirituality, social psychology, women and gender studies, and vegetarianism. I remember the opportunity we had to catch up in Los Angeles when you moved to UCSC

Week 9, Day 5 – Death

February 14, 2011 Sharon Jacobson

If this were the last day of my death, and I knew it, I think I would make a point of being with those people who are nearest and dearest to me and sharing stories of love and gifts that I would want them to have. I would want the opportunity to say goodbye to them in my own way and on my own terms. I would not want it to be somber, but a time of celebration. I would eat and drink whatever I wanted and throw all caution to the wind. I am reminded of this scene from the movie Chocolat and how the old woman celebrated her last birthday. That is what I would do if it were my last day. the practical side of me would make sure I sent an email and an excel file to my department chair so she knew how students were doing, I would let Zoe know what I wanted for my homegoing, and I would write a final reflection for Inspiritual telling everyone thank you for being part of my ride. And of course, I would leave Zoe a things to do list, which she will definitely procrastinate in doing

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