I just want to give thanks for a new perspective on yesterday. As I was praying about my not having liftline services for a few weeks, I found myself having some new revelations. The first was that this was just going to be about 3 weeks of not being able to go places. However, it was just a few years ago, that I had to spend five months in bed and was in far more pain and on so many more pain medications then I am now. If I could make it through five months, I can surely make it through three weeks. It is all about perspective. Then I began to think about how I had begun to take this liftline service for granted. Is it perfect, NO! There are some real systemic issues with the service. However, I am grateful to even have the service. I guess it took the Creator saying, hmm, see this can be gone like that to make me realize how grateful I am to even have the service. So thank you! It made me realize how often I take things for granted and do not give thanks for them as much as I should. It is like breathing, how often we forget to give thanks for the simple things, like breathing, moving a limb, going to the bathroom independently, taking a shower by ourselves, being able to hold a bottle by ourselves, drink, or eat by ourselves. All of a sudden, I found myself giving thanks for something that yesterday had made me feel frustrated. As I came to think about where the fear was coming from, it was related to my job and not being able to get to school. And then I found myself going gurl, do you not have faith in the Creator. This too will pass and it will all be ok. You have already done every thing you had to do and now it is in the hands of the Creator. So chill and give thanks for even this time. What a difference prayer and meditation can make.
Probably the feeling I have to work on the most is
Read moreWeek 3, Day 2 – Stopping the Internal Judge
I have been really sitting with these questions for a while, not sure where I wanted to start. But then life kind of answered that for me. I was going to waif for my friends to tell me who I am, but I had a challenging situation today. Well let me say I had a situation today that I allowed to become challenging. I got a letter from the local paratransit agency today informing me that my doctor had not answered one of the questions on the recertification forms, so tomorrow 12/31/2010 will be my last day of services until all the information is received and re-evaluated, which can take up to 3 weeks. Let me just say that my initial feeling was not happy happy joy joy. I couldn’t even get a paratransit ride to take me to the doctor’s office, who by the way is out for the holidays until Monday if I wanted to today. So grateful for my wife, who lovingly offered to take the forms up there and then advocated on my behalf when they started to point out all the information I had failed to give them. So what did I learn about myself today besides I have great taste in partnersJ. I do love my wife. I learned that I could express my anger in a loving and compassionate manner. I am not sure that I really learned anything new, but realized at a more conscious level how much I value my independence. There is a real difference for me between not leaving the house or using my services, and not being able to leave the house because I do not have services. I came to realize how much I enjoy going out and being in the world and knowing my home is a place I come back to and experience love. I learned that I could think clearly in the midst of crisis. I also learned that I could speak and act more out of love for myself and what I needed, then out of fear and frustration around the situation. I could tell that they wanted to come out and take control, but the love part of my personality kept them under control.
Read moreWeek 3, Day 1 – Releasing others control over us
I had never thought about myself as being a controlling person, until last night. I had always been more mindful of how I had been controlled and whose should I had agreed to follow. However, it while listening to an associate who was sharing with me how her life is just one struggle after another. I could appreciate where she was at because there was not a positive anywhere in her conversation. Everything was negative. Nobody liked her, nothing was going right. It was one negative after another and she could not understand why her life was so miserable or why she could not get a break in life. At one point as she was speaking, there was this voice in the back of my head that was singing some song from my childhood that goes something like nobody loves me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms.
What I should have done was just listen, but
Read moreWeek 2, Day 7 – Rewarding Yourself, Spreading Roots
Today is another one of those days when we were supposed to reward ourselves by going outside. The goal was to find a tree near you and ask your spirit why you like this tree. What can it promise you? Then use streaming to explore how accepting you can be of this place, this day.
Ok, so here it is 27 degrees outside and the yard is still covered with snow, so I am going to write about the two trees I can see by looking out my window. One is a spruce and the other is a weeping willow. I have always had this affinity for weeping willows.
Read moreWeek 2, Day 6 – Change
Oh yes, I remember that day. It was October 15, 2006. I had just come back from Los Angeles, California. I was nervous walking into the church that day for a number of reasons. It was the second time we had worshipped in this new space and the bishop was coming for the first of three weekends to observe me. So I drove up to the church, grabbed my rolling bag, which still held all my robes and stoles and walked into the church. As I opened the door of my office, this pain shot down my right leg and it was followed by numbness and this state of shock. I remember that day as if it was yesterday. It was the day that my life changed with an opening of the door. It was just a door.
Read moreWeek 2, Day 5 – Life as It Is
I think what is strong and good in my life is what sees me through most things. I think one of my strengths is my patience with me and others. I know that I and others am works in progress. I do not expect myself or others to be transformed over night. Nor do I expect others to be as committed to their evolution as I am. I tend to be positive. I allowed myself to get hurt pretty deeply and went through this time of intensive healing and transformation. Ever since I removed myself from the cave in which I had been living, thank you Aristotle, I have become increasingly used to living in the light.
It is an amazing thing that happens when you take the shackles off your soul and begin loving yourself and cleansing yourself of all the lies that you had internalized.
Read moreWeek 2, Day 4 – Differences Between Us
Lol – ok, so this is why my BFF and I are BFF’s – actually she is more of my sister and spiritual partner then anything else. I still remember the day, and if she reads this she will know this is about us, but I remember the day we were sitting on this bench in the halls of the seminary and she told me I got on her nerves. Nine years later, I still get on her nerves, but in a good way. And the truth is sometimes she still gets on mine, but in a good wayJ. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. What got on her nerves -- hmm, let’s see it was part my being a feminist, my talking about women’s studies, my being out about being a lesbian and my being out about being biracial. Did I always have to be so out there and open about everything? Yeah, girl, yet here we are nine years later and who would have ever thought we would be as tight as we are today. We are so freakin different. Yet at the same time, we are so alike.
Read moreWeek 2, Day 3 – Ourselves As We Are
I have to say I have been struggling with this word acceptance. I think in part it is because it brings me back to a time in my life when in the midst of trying to be of service, I found myself also being hurt. More honestly, allowing others to hurt me. it brought me back to a time when I allowed others to hurt me and continue to hurt me until I was able to see that I was the one who was allowing them to hurt me and found the power to leave. It brings me back to this place of feeling like a round peg in a square hole. It reminds me of all the times people told me I was too much of something or not enough of something. It reminds me that God does not say as I have accepted you, accept one another, but as I have loved you love one another. It makes me feel as if there is something I need to accept. And yet at the same time there are things I need to accept in my life. no, it is more then accepting. It is knowing.
Read moreWeek 2, Day 2 – Anger
so I went to bed last night thinking about anger, knowing that this was the word for today – the emotion for today – the flavor of the day – my friends would and have told me that I do not do anger well. there are so many times that I have felt like I have exploded and yelled at someone and then when I go to apologize for how I voiced my anger, they look at me like what are you talking about? When did you yell at us? Really – did you think you were angry. I guess it is how I voice my anger that has made all the difference. But the thing about anger that frustrates me is that at times, not so much anymore, but there are times I feel like I should apologize for getting angry and that makes me angry.
Read moreWeek 2, Day 1 – Loss
Ok, so do you really want to know what I am really thinking at this very moment? I do not want to go here today. I have three days to read and grade 21 papers and the last thing I want to do is climb into the well of loss, even though I know there is a ladder that I can climb back up and out of. Yet, I know that I cannot stop the journey I started just because it is not convenient timing for me. I love myself too much, to stop now.
Loss is one of those emotions that I have had to learn to live with most of my life.
Read moreWeek 1, Day 7 – Rewarding Yourself – Gift in Public Places
Well, while I would have loved to have done this as requested, that was not possible for a few reasons. one not being able to drive I would have had to have made my liftline reservations three days ago to do this today. Second, is that the roads and sidewalks are still covered with snow and my wheelchair does not do so well as an all terrain vehicle L. Third, it is cold outside. so I decided to reward myself today by staying in the warmth of my home, holding a hot cup of coffee in my hands periodically and thinking about this statue that I have sitting on my living room table. I was about to say I am not even sure where I got it, but then I remembered that I did. I got it five years ago when zoe and I were shopping for furniture at Value City Furniture. There was something about this sculpture that I just loved.
It it this sculpture of two genderless beings sitting back to back and while most of the time they sit still with their backs against each other, the base is curved slightly, so it can rock back and forth.
Read moreWeek 1, Day 6 – Grace
Here I am at towards the end of this first week and loving that I am taking the time in the midst of grading papers to take care of me. as I sat down to read Janelle’s reflection on grace, I found myself giggling like this little school girl because she talked about sitting at a church that I had once visited, MCC San Francisco, and the pastor there was in charge of education for the denomination when I was considering being ordained through MCC. What a small world this truly is. It is moments like this, when I become aware of how interconnected we truly are. How, even when we do not know it or realize it, the Creator has this way of bringing us all together at just the right time. And some folk do not think the Creator has a sense of humor.
Ok, so I was giggling until I got to the choices and I realized I do not have a book of poetry
Read moreWeek 1, Day 5 – Patience
If I made a list of ten people in my life who have taught me invaluable lessons they would be the following:
1. My bubby, which is Yiddish for grandmother, who taught me to silence my self and listen to the spirit within.
2. my wife, Zoe Davis, who taught me that love was and can be unconditional.
3. Miguel Don Ruiz whose writings helped me bring an end to my own suffering.
4. Osho, whose writings helped me to understand the difference between belief and faith
5. Dr. Diane Samdahl, who gave me the courage to face my demons and insecurities
6. Meg Christian, who reminded me that it is all about the journey and that “great wisdom from painful experience is an inside job!”
7. my mother, Roslyn Kamin Jacobson, who taught me that love was the greatest gift one could give
8. my son, Nicholas Maurice Chambers Jacobson Johnson, who taught me the transformative power of love and faith.
9. Jorge Rieger, who is a constant reminder to me that the larger our welcome and affirming of human diversity is, the greater our understanding of the Creator is.
10. my father, Avram Lyon Jacobson, who taught me the importance of being responsible for one’s behavior and words.
Read moreWeek 1, Day 4 – A Sense of Place
I cant remember the last time I thought about my childhood home or my room, but I can see it ever so clearly. It is funny how sometimes when you stop and close your eyes, you can see things so clearly. The funny thing is that the space I felt most connected to spirit was not a physical space, but an emotional space with my Bubby. Whenever I was going through something I would see her when she still lived nearby and she would say come sarah bella let us go for a walk. We would walk in silence until suddenly she would stop and say something very profound to me and then we would go back to the house and the rest of the family. There were other places in my own home that made me feel connected. One was the sewing room.
Read moreWeek 1, Day 3 -- Faith Makes It Possible
The whole time I was typing this sentence and saying it in my head, all I could hear was the sound of palms on my djembe. The beat was similar to the sound of a very simple beat on my drum. After a while it becomes like a heartbeat and the separation between you and the drum just seems to fade. Even sitting here, I can still hear the drumbeat in my heart as I type one more time how faith enriches my life. I do not even need to open my eyes to look at the keyboard as I type. It is as if my eyes can see without even being open. The sound of the keyboard feels like a drumbeat as well. I am reminded of how I felt the first time I heard this all women’s drumming troupe, voices of Africa perform in Geneva, New York. I can still hear Nana saying to this primarily white audience how she was going to bring out the inner jungle in us. She did with me and I left there that night with my first drum and have been drumming intermittently ever since. It is one of those things that I do which makes me feel connected to the world and reminds me that I am part of something even bigger then myself.
Read moreWeek 1, Day 2 – Hope Holds the Opportunity
One of the things I came to realize after journaling yesterday was that 10 minutes was just not enough time for me to really go as deep in my writing as I wanted to go. I found myself writing about wonder periodically throughout the night and throughout the day today. One of the things I found myself wondering was if I had other biological family members out there in this great big world. Every once in a while someone will tell me they met my twin somewhere. I have always wondered if my biological parents had any other children with or after me. If so, where are they? Would I even recognize them if I were sitting next to them? When I was younger, I used to wonder about this more then I do now, but sometimes I still wonder about this. Sometimes I wonder about my foster parents. I wonder what made them become foster parents. I wonder what they enjoyed most about caring for me. Sometimes I wonder why I am still alive. I wonder how I managed to survive the fetal distress I was born with. Sometimes I wonder how my brother Jess is doing and if he will ever find it within himself to speak to Mark or me again. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever make it through the day without questioning something.
But there are so many other things that make me experience wonder then just questions about what I do not know.
Read moreWeek 1, Day 1 -- Wondering
What was really interesting for me was that after I typed up these directions, I needed to step away from the computer. My brain seemed to be focused on this logical way of thinking. It seemed as if typing these concrete directions made me feel less connected to what was really going on inside of me. I found myself feeling as if I should be sitting here writing some sort of academic essay. Answer the questions please. I have always hated trying to write for others. it seems as if takes away the freedom and the connection to self and others. it becomes a job, rather then a form of self-expression. Probably the one thing I wonder about the most these days is why I allowed others to neglect, reject and abuse me. I am pretty clear on why I stopped the abuse, but sometimes I wonder why I even allowed them to do it in the first place. why did I choose to believe the criticisms and negativity of others. why did I stop believing I was worthy? Why did I stop believing in my own gifts? In my own intelligence?
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