What I appreciate

Most of this week, I have been thinking about my recent blog about the distinction between gratitude and appreciation. “Melody Beattie said, “Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” Gratitude is the base from which we can gain a greater appreciation of life and its offerings. Appreciation involves awareness and mindfulness. Our ability to appreciate all of what life is revealing to us is dependent on our being present, aware, and actively reflecting on why we are grateful for what we are. It is through our awareness that our appreciation of that which we are grateful grows and blossoms.”
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Me and Masks

I have been thinking about something, which was said to me during a tarot reading a few weeks ago. The reader told me I have this external image of being peaceful, calm, and happy, however, there are things from my past, which weigh me down. In essence, there were masks I wore and parts of myself I did not openly share with others. Perhaps those were not the exact words shared with me; it is however how I remember it. Those words have come and gone from my memory. However, this morning as I was reading from Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements Companion Book. He wrote, “We know we are not what we believe we are supposed to be and so we feel false, frustrated, and dishonest. We try to hide ourselves, and we pretend to be what we are not. The result is that we feel unauthentic and wear social masks to keep others from noticing this.” he challenged the readers to think about what masks we wear around others? Why do we wear them? What would happen if we took them off? What would it be like to express who we really are?
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Releasing Judgment

Ah, to be seven again. It was interesting trying to explain the four agreements to a 7 year old last night. Trying to explain being impeccable with your word was fun. We talked about being positive in what you think and say about yourself and others and she looked at me with this and your point is kind of face. So following the third agreement to seek clarification, I asked her if she ever thought anything negative about anybody or herself. Her response was why would I. I then talked with her about the second agreement of not taking things personally and she again looked at me somewhat strange. So I said, well for example, if I told you that you were ugly, would you believe me. With her hands on her hips and a very strong face, she said NO! I am beautiful. Of course, I would not believe your lie. The other two agreements, seek clarification and do your best made so much more sense to her.
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I will always love you

I am always grateful for my wife and my relationship with her. this afternoon, William posted this on facebook and it made me realize how grateful I am for the little things Zoe and I do each day that makes us feel loved. It is such a great feeling that after almost 11 years I have no regrets about the woman with whom I share my life. Zoe is just as amazing to me today as the day we met, if not more so. At the same time, I began to think about my former relationships and what might have happened if I had done what the woman in this story did. I won’t ever know. What I do know is this. from this day forward, I will remember to look at Zoe with the same love and intimacy that I did when we first met. She still makes me smile and laugh as nobody else can. The day we were married they played a song by Celine Dion as my song to her because she is my voice when I cannot speak, she is my eyes when I cannot see, she is my ears when I cannot hear, she gives me strength when I am weak and as we grow closer to our 1 year marriage anniversary and our 11 year together anniversary, she continues to be everything I could ever want or need in a wife. So sweetie, if you ever read this, know that I love you with all my heart and soul.
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Slow down, I move too fast

If I had to give myself a song for this week, it would be slow down you move too fast by Simon and Garfunkel. Seriously, this is the lesson I needed to learn this week. Last Saturday, I was trying to do too much. I was breaking all my own rules and as a result did not pay attention to how I was putting the top on my new teapot. As a result, after putting the tea blend in the infuser basket and filling it with boiling water, my left hand plunged in because I had not put the top on properly. At the same time, our home was rapidly filling up with guests. So with a hand which was red, swollen and puffy, I graciously retreated to my office to keep ice on it, let the waves of pain move through my hand, the tears roll down my face, and work on meditating my way back to a place where I was controlling my pain and not vice versa. The process I was assisted by loving friends, of which one is an LPN, and my wife who kept people away from me while I calmed down and suggested I take a pain killer. Of course, I also did what I always do when I am in need of prayer; I posted on Facebook about how I had just burned the crap out of my hand and asked for prayer. LOL isn’t that what everyone does when they are in my situation.
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Rethinking Relationship

I teach this all the time to my students, do we really know what a word means. What is work? Does it mean the same to you as it does to me? Or as we are discussing this module, what is poverty? What is well being? What is quality of life? In my head, I theoretically get the idea that words can carry individualized meanings. How I define something like compassion for example, may not be the same as how somebody else defines it, yet both are right. What got me here was this whole notion of relationship as an event in a talk given by Barbara Emrys. She said, “Relationship is an event that holds your attention.”
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When does relationship occur?

When does relationship occur? How would you describe your dance with the dream of the planet? Don Miguel Ruiz asked viewers to think about these questions. At one point in my life, I would have said it was when I began speaking to someone. However, over the course of my life I have come to realize I am in relationship with people with whom I have never spoken. Every time I post something I have written, whether it is from my personal journal, something I am working on for my book, or something I have written to assist others, I am creating the possibility for me to interact with someone and for someone to interact with me. Sometimes I can be in a physical space and be developing a relationship with them without even saying a word.
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Alone

One of my homework questions was how did you feel when you heard don Miguel Ruiz say, “You are born alone, you grow up alone and you will die alone”? I am not sure how to describe what I was feeling. There is a part of me that was like ok, am I supposed to feel surprised, upset, or scared. The part of that sentence that scared me the most was that I might die alone. Then I was like ok, so what. I am never alone. The Infinite is always with me, so even when there is not another human being with me, I am never alone. I am always with me, so I am never alone.
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To all my spiritual teachers

To all my spiritual teachers, Most of you are no longer living in this realm, however, some of you are. Some of you I have never met, others of you I have. Some of you have taught me through your writings, your lectures, and other things you have done to assist others and me in our journeys. You were walking in your calling as a teacher and sharing the wisdom of your life with people like me and for that I am grateful. A while back, in one of my earlier blogs, I made a list of 10 spiritual teachers in my life. They were:
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If you’re happy and you know it

Ok, so I woke up this morning singing that children’s song – if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands. I don’t know what it is about that song that just makes me smile. Maybe it is the clapping of my hands, the stomping of my feet, and the shouting of hooray. Or maybe it is the memories of singing this song with my son Nick when he was so much younger. I may have to talk with him about this song when I call him today. It is such a blessing to wake up in the morning and be filled with so much happiness and so much love. What a blessing it is to know I am love and do not need anyone else to give me what I already have. I have been Zoe for 10 ½ years now, but even if she was gone tomorrow, I would still be happy and love myself. Her being in my life gives me someone to share all this with, but I am no longer dependent on her or anyone else to give me what I have.
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Where is the love?

So I am sitting here today thinking about the pain that is being experienced by faculty, staff and students on our campus as a result of the murder of one of our female students. I cannot even begin to imagine what her parents and family members are feeling at this time. I have thought about the staff member from the school who had to call and inform them. I have thought about the young man who is responsible for her murder. I have thought about his family and what they must be feeling at this point. Then I think about the violence that is so prevalent in our world and I find myself asking the same question I have been asking for decades now. Where is the love?
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I am a Spiritual Warrior

This afternoon, my body is speaking loudly to me and asking me what were you thinking yesterday. Do you know how sore we are today? Heck, it hurts just to lift this one leg up and you did this to us why? Then there is the other part of my body, which seems to be saying thank you, yes it was painful and uncomfortable, but you made it through. So now, you know you can walk through the discomfort of moving up and down the hallway. Now you know that you can train your body to walk up and down the driveway, then to the mailbox, and by January, you will be able to use your walker on the days you have to go to Brockport to teach.
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My New Story

So here I am at 4:47 am, unable to sleep, and I am not sure why that is. Perhaps because I was thinking about how much I have agreed to accomplish today. Perhaps because I wanted to take advantage of this quiet time when Zoe and the cats are sleeping, the phone is not ringing, and the computer is not telling me I have mail. Lol. I do love these quiet moments where I feel the freedom, quiet, and space to write letters to myself. It is as if somebody has put me this do not disturb sign on my life. It was strange for me to read what I wrote to myself last week. I think I needed to write that for me because it prepared me to face a situation with courage this week, which was about putting me back in the spotlight – well maybe not the spotlight, but the physical classroom five times a semester. It meant that I had to push myself pedagogically from teaching solely online to teaching my first hybrid class and facing my fear of the unknown. I had never done this. How can I do this?
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Fear, Fear, Go Away

I have been thinking quite a bit about fear lately. In part, because at the beginning of every semester, my students experience some fear as they enter my classroom, aka the world of Dr J. As I structure my classes in a very non-traditional way, they experience some discomfort and fear as they try to get used to my “uniqueness” and me. Some experience more then others. There have been some real fearful moments in my life, moments where I had real moments to be afraid. I remember one time when my son was having a flashback about his mother abusing him and he threatened to hit me over the head with a 2 x 4.
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The Divine loves me

Sometimes I forget that I went through a time when I wondered if God loved me. It is not until I talk to someone who has been convinced the Divine does not approve of them or their lives that I remember I had to go through a time of transformation as well. There were two main issues I struggled through in my life. One was being bi-racial. Most people look at me and just see a white woman, although when I had dreads people thought I was anything but white. Go figure. Growing up everybody wanted me to believe I was white, except for my parents who supported me in knowing I was bi-racial.
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When I was a child

Recently someone shared a picture with me on Facebook which said “Remember when we were young and we couldn’t wait to grow up, so we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted? How’s that working out for ya?” I could remember those times. However, what I really remember when I was a child I wanted to be something I was not. I wanted to be darker skinned then I am, so I would take show polish and polish myself brown and then my mother would scrub it off of me. I wanted hair that was always curly, not just sometimes curly. My hair changes texture on a daily and sometimes hourly basis.
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To my friend Aaronette

I am sitting here this morning trying to take in the news that you are no longer with us. It is not as if you were sick, you weren’t. Your not being with us in this realm anymore reminds me of how precious life is. How many times have I really thought about how blessed I am to wake up? I am grateful, however, somehow hearing the news that you have transitioned to the next realm of being, was a wake up call for me. This morning, I truly am grateful for another day to be of service to the world. After I got through the initial shock of it all, I could hear a few voices floating through my head. One was my Bubby asking me, “So Sara Bella what are you grateful for?” that is so easy. I am grateful I had the chance to meet you and get to know you. It brings me back in time to when I was pastoring at TPUFC and you would bring groups of students up to our church. I remember all the conversations we had about life, spirituality, social psychology, women and gender studies, and vegetarianism. I remember the opportunity we had to catch up in Los Angeles when you moved to UCSC
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The Hidden Power of Nice

The other night, a group of us gathered to discuss The Meaning of Nice by Joan Duncan Oliver. What perhaps was the most interesting part of the whole discussion turned out not to be something anyone said, but something we all experienced – the hidden power of nice. After discussing our initial reaction to the book, we started talking intermittently about things and experiences, which were not nice and those which were. What was interesting was that when we were talking about that which we thought was “not nice,” people’s voices, postures, and body language changed. It was as if they were experiencing that “not nice” moment all over again. Conversely, when we talked about those nice moments and experiences, there was again a shift in the energy in the room. You could hear the power of niceness as people shared stories about individuals and organizations, which had been nice. Last July, Zoe was diagnosed with breast cancer. The last year has been filled with so many nice moments it was hard to know where to begin as the wave of memories washed over me.
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No Sale!

There are nights I wake up to one of those infomercials trying to sell you something I do not need. If I am smart and realize they are not the solution to my problem, I turn off the television and roll back over and go back to sleep. However, I know there are people and times in my own life when that was not always true. There were times that I wondered if that machine, that diet plan, that whatever was going to be the solution to my problems. I used to think that about people as well.
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The Sound of ____________

So it is one of those nights when my brain does not seem to want to shut off and instead is bouncing around full of ideas and things to do. It seemed like every time I would fall asleep, I would wake up with a note about something I needed to say to someone. It is one of those nights, when I kept waking up with inspirations about things to write about, edits to be made on writing projects, and insights about life in general. So rather, then keep making notes to myself and going back to sleep, I decided to wake up, go to the bathroom, and write some of them out while they were fresh in my mind. So here I am sitting at my computer when it is not even 4 am because I kept dreaming about a scene in a movie I saw years ago with Robin Williams called Good Will Hunting.
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