Dear God,
I am grateful for this month of reflecting on my own worth. In doing so, I have been reminded of how important it is to me to speak with integrity. It reminds me of a conversation I had with a colleague recently about knowing when to allow myself to speak and when I need to breathe love into my being and remember the Sufi teaching about the questions I must answer before speaking. Is what I want to say truthful? Is it necessary? Is it kind? It parallels the teachings of Toltec Wisdom and don Miguel Ruiz about being impeccable with my word. When I speak with integrity, I am only saying what I mean and when I combine it with the Sufi teaching; I know that how I say what I mean also comes from an intent of love.
Read moreDear God,
I would like to thank you for the reminder that everything, which happens in my life, is for the good, even when I do not realize it now. Others may look at my life and see the trials and tribulations. I look at my life and give thanks for all you have done for me. I have actively chosen to believe that you do not do things to me as some form of punishment, but for me as a tool to help me grow and continue to be of service. Yes, I have had others say hurtful things to me, but you have taught me that their words are about them, not me. Yes, I have had others abuse me, but their pain, which they targeted towards me, is about them, not me. It is only about me if I believe it is about me and as you have taught me through the teachings of don Miguel Ruiz. The words and the language I use have power and I choose to use words that create positive realities and energy. It is through my word that I create and this power to create is a gift you bestowed on me.
Read moreDear God,
I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for blessing me with Thich Nhat Hanh’s book Fear: Essential Wisdom for Getting through the Storm. I am not sure what I was expecting when I began this book, but I am so grateful for all that is helping me to release and the wounds that are being healed along the way. One of the things he pointed out was that whether we are physically connected to or want to be connected to our ancestors, we are. We need to heal the wounds we have inherited as part of our legacy. One of the things he suggested doing was writing letters as a form of meditational practice to our ancestors and parents. As I thought about this, I realized I had written letters to my parents before and after they made transition. However, never in my life have I written a letter to my foster parents or to my birth parents. Even though I will never meet them, at least not in this realm, I am still connected to them and in their own ways; we will always be connected. So today, I am going to begin with the one that might be the hardest, the letter to my biological father. I am not even sure how you write a love letter to someone you never knew and are not even sure you ever met or ever say me. However, I am going to do my best
Read moreThe last few days I have been feeling as if I was entering a different state of being and have not been able to figure out where this shift is coming from. Then I remembered that this is October, the month where my body remembers to grieve the loss of my god-daughter, the leaving the adoption center, the birth into my family, the severing of yet one more umbilical cord in my life and the creation of another one.
Reading Thich Nhat Hanh’s book on fear has reminded me how you have always been my umbilical cord. When it was time for me to leave the safety of my birth mother’s womb, you were there to protect me. You brought me into your utero for just a moment while they worked on saving my human life and the life of my birth mother. Even when my spirit returned to my infant body, my umbilical cord to you remained attached. When I was moved to the foster home, my umbilical cord to you remained attached. When I was brought to the adoption center, my umbilical cord to you remained attached. When my parents adopted me, my umbilical cord to you remained attached.
Read moreIt seems like most of my life I have been told don’t just sit there, do something. As a result, I have become the just do it girl. I was the just do it girl long before Nike ever coined that slogan. So it was interesting this morning that I received yet another confirmation that I need to reverse the lesson I was taught as a child. As Sylvia Bookstein said, “Don’t just do something. Sit there.” I have been getting this message that I need to be intentional about taking time each day to just sit, do nothing, and spend time with myself.
So this is my new behavior to work on making a part of my life – doing nothing. I am sure Zoe is going to laugh when I tell her I am going to work on doing nothing for at least 10 minutes a day. Doing nothing and just sitting here does not mean I sit and play a computer game or I sit and talk with her. Doing nothing and sitting here means I spend that time with myself, having those conversations with myself and the Ultimate that I somehow think I can avoid, when I know that I really cannot avoid myself or the Ultimate.
Read moreOne of my favorite songs is from the Wizard of Oz, Somewhere over the rainbow, as it reminds to dare to dream. It inspired me to write a poem of my own.
Somewhere over the rainbow
way up high
are the dreams that I dream of
As I walk in the light
Somewhere over the rainbow
where the angels fly
are the visoins I dream of
experiencing them in the light
Sometimes I dream of falling asleep and
waking up on a pillow of clouds
where the struggles are beyond me
Sitting on a cloud of peace
with the warmth of a blanket made of fleece
Read moreDear God,
As I finished reading Doreen Virtue’s book, Assertiveness for Earth Angels, I found myself thinking back to the day I was born. It was, as you know, not an easy time for my birth mother or me as we both almost died in childbirth. For the longest time I blamed myself at some level for the challenges she went through. At the same time, I missed the experience of feeling welcomed into the world and spent a good bit of time in my life feeling as if I just was not good enough. It was as if I blamed myself for not being Jewish enough for my birth mother and her family to keep me, not being black enough for my birth family and his father to take me. Then when I was finally adopted, I battled to feel Jacobson enough next to my brothers who were biologically my parent’s children. I remember my brother once telling me I was not a real Jacobson. I have had to work at releasing those feelings and realize that the near death experience I had as an infant was a central and key part of my life and of who I am today.
Read moreThis morning began like any other morning until I turned the page on my calendar. Then I began reading my quote for the day from Mohandas Ghandi, which read, “If you do not find God in the next person you meet, it’s a waste of time looking for him further.” I had to sit with this one for a while because it brought me back in time to when I was taught this lesson before. I wish I could remember who it was or what it was that taught me that I must look for the Divine in every person I meet. I think it was related to a lesson I learned while reading The Mastery of Love by don Miguel Ruiz who reminded me that if I cannot love everyone unconditionally, then I cannot love anyone unconditionally. It is a similar lesson. If I cannot see the Divine in someone, then I have to spend more time with them and look deeper into who they are to see the light hidden within them.
Read moreLol. Well it is nice to know that people miss my blogs when I do not write them. It has been less than a week since my last blog and I got a few emails from people who wanted to know if I was okay. Those made me feel loved. When I write, I do it for me and sometimes even for the trash can so I do not attach others responses to what I write. It is for me and if it does some good in the world, then bless it. If not that is ok too.
The last few days have been a journey in faith. They have been a reminder of the importance of doing two things in my life trusting and obeying. Trusting and obeying the leadings of spirit even when they do not make sense to me personally. The one regret I have this week is that I did not listen to my intuition and not wear my brace to school on Tuesday. However, I did trust and obey from that point forward. I think you were trying to prevent me from incurring the wounds that I got from my brace rubbing against all the bug bites that I got while near and in the compost the past few days. I didn’t obey you then and so came home to infected welts all over my leg, which I have never experienced and my leg seemed twice as big as normal.
Read moreThis morning I woke up to this quote on my calendar that took me a moment to think about. It said, “One day Dong-shan was washing his bowl, and happened to see two birds fighting over a frog. A monk also saw this and said, “Why does it come to that?” “Only for your benefit,” Dong-shan said.
I know very little about Dong-shan and perhaps one day I will learn more about him, but this story seemed to resonate with me. In part because the way he answered the question reminded me of how I tend to respond to my students, always with another question or a statement, which will make them, think at a deeper level.
Read moreThe other day I challenged my readers to think about what they know, not what they believe, but what do they have that deep knowing about, that unshakable faith about. After having put that out there for people to think about, I realized I needed to do the same. I needed to articulate what I know, not what I believe. Today, this is my intent, to begin to articulate what I know and pray that the words exist to help me explain the unexplainable.
One thing I know for sure is that there is an Ultimate Consciousness in the Universe and regardless of what one believes, the journey one is on, or what one even calls this source, it exists. To discuss how one calls upon this source is something I choose not to do. It is as productive as discussing whether one calls a carbonated beverage soda, pop, coke, etc. What is important, for me, is that one acknowledges one’s source. How I have called upon this Divine source has changed over time in my life and still changes depending on whom I am speaking with about the Divine.
Read moreLast night, at our 4-year anniversary celebration, someone asked me how all this began. I could feel this little smile creeping up from inside me going, “it’s a faith thing.’ I would like to say that it began four years ago, but when I am honest with myself, I realize that I began manifesting this ministry years before I resigned from my pastorate. I remember having a conversation with a colleague who asked me what I would really like to do and I remember saying that I wanted to work with people who want to grow and evolve spiritually. I think that is when I first manifested this into being. When I told the Ultimate this is what I wanted to do, the Universe began to put everything in place for this to happen. However, one of the things that I came to realize is that I could not create this ministry while I was still pastoring and so things began happening to help me make the difficult decision to leave. While I will always care and pray for the congregation I left behind, the minute I announced my resignation I felt this wave of light and energy sweep through me from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet.
Read moreI just have to say that sometimes I am much better at following the four agreements than others. It seems that most of the time I am impeccable with my word, I do not take things personally, I seek clarification and don’t make assumptions and work to always do my best. Then there are those moments, whether it is because of a super moon, a total eclipse of the sun or that we are in some planetary retrograde. There are those moments when, for whatever reason, I forget and take something personally.
When this happens I know I am not upset with the person who said or did whatever, I am upset with myself because I allowed myself to take it personally.
Read moreSo today, I just want to thank my Bubby for teaching me how to seek out the gratitude in all situations. This message has been hitting home for me repeatedly this week. Each day, as you know, I start off the day with five things I am grateful for that day and then before going to be tell Zoe one thing about her I am grateful for or one thing she did for which I give thanks. My Bubby used to tell me that if I could see the positive in any situation, then I am going to be okay. Just say thank you for the gift, she would say. Hmm, I wonder if she said the same thing to Meister Eckhart, or if at least spirit conveyed those same words to him. He once said something similar. He said, “if the only prayer you said in your whole life was “thank you,“ that would suffice.” At the end of each Oneness Blessing gathering, we take a moment to say, “I am blessed, and full of gratitude. Today, my affirmation was “my life is blessed, and I am so grateful.”
Read moreI read this quote recently by Janet Jiryu Abels that said, “You can’t face yourself or turn away from yourself because you’re it. What do you need to understand? Can the eye see itself?” So today, I just need to sit with that because I am it. I guess it is as I wrote about the other day; I have to be at peace with what I do understand and what I don’t. As don Miguel Ruiz say, “it is what it is.” We are not to make any more or less of it then it is. I am who I am. I am exactly who I am supposed to be at this very moment in time. I am it.
Read moreYesterday was the 4th of July. I have mixed feelings about this holiday. On the one hand, I have these amazing memories of picnics, time with family barbecuing hot dogs and hamburgers, swimming in our pool, eating watermelon and then going to the fireworks at night. As an adult, however, I have found that I struggle with celebrating a day that celebrates Independence from those we considered subjugating only to do the same to others. At the same time, every year there are people we know who are looking for a space to gather with friends and family and so the spiritual being in me feels called to open our doors and host our now annual Fourth of July potluck barbecue. This year, I think I came to a space where I could participate in this day in a new way. I have come to a place where I can honor the memories of the past, the inequalities that continue to exist today, be of service to the other beings in the Universe, and at the same time have a deeply personal reason to celebrate. So this year I celebrated my personal independence day.
Read moreAll this month, I have been thinking about forgiveness. Each week, I have learned something new about myself, something I need to let go of within myself and forgive myself for thinking, feeling, or internalizing. Planning Zoe’s 60th surprise birthday party has brought up a few things I needed to forgive. This week, I have had to learn to release expectations about people and events. I had to learn to let this weekend celebration of Zoe’s life be what it was supposed to be. I had to release my expectations that people would communicate with me when there was a change in plans, as I would have with them. I had to release my desire to have the whole family together at one time. As with relationships, once I learned to release expectations around how things were going to be, it was just fine. However, for that hour or so that I was working on releasing my dreams and fantasies, I have had to forgive myself for self-imposed suffering.
Read moreThis weekend is father’s day and Monday will be my birthday. So it is a bittersweet weekend in my life. I am grateful because I am here to celebrate one more year. At the same time, I miss you more then there are words to express. It is hard to believe that you have been gone for 9 years now. I remember how many times my birthday fell on Father’s day and you would tell me that I was your Father’s Day present. So today, I just want to take time to tell you how much I love you and how grateful I am that you fathered me for so many years. I am grateful that you and Mom birthed me into your hearts and raised me as if I was your own.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you. Every day I think about how you were supposed to be here living with Zoe and I I think about how much Zoe and I were looking forward to spending time with you, caring for you, and getting on your last nerve.
Read moreThe other day, during our angel card reading practice night, a friend told me that I needed to stop and smell the flowers. I know I have been working very hard lately and trying to work my way through the pile of things before me. It has felt like there was one deadline after another and I was sitting here thinking I need to just stop and play for a while today. My friend Kerry asked me when I crocheted last and to be honest, I could not remember. How sad. I have books I could read, but by the time I stop, I am too tired to read. So I knew that I needed to claim the time this weekend to play. I had told myself I just wanted to do two more things for sure today: take time to journal (which I am doing now) and finish my piece on forgiveness for the newsletter, as it is the last thing I have to give Zoe for the newsletter which she will be finishing tomorrow.
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