I have been thinking quite a bit about fear lately. In part, because at the beginning of every semester, my students experience some fear as they enter my classroom, aka the world of Dr J. As I structure my classes in a very non-traditional way, they experience some discomfort and fear as they try to get used to my “uniqueness” and me. Some experience more then others. There have been some real fearful moments in my life, moments where I had real moments to be afraid. I remember one time when my son was having a flashback about his mother abusing him and he threatened to hit me over the head with a 2 x 4.
Read moreThe Divine loves me
Sometimes I forget that I went through a time when I wondered if God loved me. It is not until I talk to someone who has been convinced the Divine does not approve of them or their lives that I remember I had to go through a time of transformation as well. There were two main issues I struggled through in my life. One was being bi-racial. Most people look at me and just see a white woman, although when I had dreads people thought I was anything but white. Go figure. Growing up everybody wanted me to believe I was white, except for my parents who supported me in knowing I was bi-racial.
Read moreWhen I was a child
Recently someone shared a picture with me on Facebook which said “Remember when we were young and we couldn’t wait to grow up, so we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted? How’s that working out for ya?” I could remember those times. However, what I really remember when I was a child I wanted to be something I was not. I wanted to be darker skinned then I am, so I would take show polish and polish myself brown and then my mother would scrub it off of me. I wanted hair that was always curly, not just sometimes curly. My hair changes texture on a daily and sometimes hourly basis.
Read moreTo my friend Aaronette
I am sitting here this morning trying to take in the news that you are no longer with us. It is not as if you were sick, you weren’t. Your not being with us in this realm anymore reminds me of how precious life is. How many times have I really thought about how blessed I am to wake up? I am grateful, however, somehow hearing the news that you have transitioned to the next realm of being, was a wake up call for me. This morning, I truly am grateful for another day to be of service to the world.
After I got through the initial shock of it all, I could hear a few voices floating through my head. One was my Bubby asking me, “So Sara Bella what are you grateful for?” that is so easy. I am grateful I had the chance to meet you and get to know you. It brings me back in time to when I was pastoring at TPUFC and you would bring groups of students up to our church. I remember all the conversations we had about life, spirituality, social psychology, women and gender studies, and vegetarianism. I remember the opportunity we had to catch up in Los Angeles when you moved to UCSC
Read moreThe Hidden Power of Nice
The other night, a group of us gathered to discuss The Meaning of Nice by Joan Duncan Oliver. What perhaps was the most interesting part of the whole discussion turned out not to be something anyone said, but something we all experienced – the hidden power of nice. After discussing our initial reaction to the book, we started talking intermittently about things and experiences, which were not nice and those which were. What was interesting was that when we were talking about that which we thought was “not nice,” people’s voices, postures, and body language changed. It was as if they were experiencing that “not nice” moment all over again. Conversely, when we talked about those nice moments and experiences, there was again a shift in the energy in the room. You could hear the power of niceness as people shared stories about individuals and organizations, which had been nice.
Last July, Zoe was diagnosed with breast cancer. The last year has been filled with so many nice moments it was hard to know where to begin as the wave of memories washed over me.
Read moreNo Sale!
There are nights I wake up to one of those infomercials trying to sell you something I do not need. If I am smart and realize they are not the solution to my problem, I turn off the television and roll back over and go back to sleep. However, I know there are people and times in my own life when that was not always true. There were times that I wondered if that machine, that diet plan, that whatever was going to be the solution to my problems.
I used to think that about people as well.
Read moreThe Sound of ____________
So it is one of those nights when my brain does not seem to want to shut off and instead is bouncing around full of ideas and things to do. It seemed like every time I would fall asleep, I would wake up with a note about something I needed to say to someone. It is one of those nights, when I kept waking up with inspirations about things to write about, edits to be made on writing projects, and insights about life in general. So rather, then keep making notes to myself and going back to sleep, I decided to wake up, go to the bathroom, and write some of them out while they were fresh in my mind. So here I am sitting at my computer when it is not even 4 am because I kept dreaming about a scene in a movie I saw years ago with Robin Williams called Good Will Hunting.
Read moreIs this my Prison or Ashram?
Have you ever thought about what the single worst thing which could happen in your life could be? if you had asked me a year ago, I would have told you I was fighting for my independence. It was a year ago this month that RGRTA moved from regular service to supplemental service, which means you virtually have no service. in real terms, it meant I could no longer leave my house by myself to go anywhere other then for a roll around the block. Every once in a while I have been fortunate enough to get a ride, but those are more of a rarity and not something I can ever count on.
Read more“I am here to enjoy life to its fullest!”
I have been thinking about my relationship with my body for a while now, as it has not always been the healthiest of relationships. Some teachers in my life have tried to tell me my body is a prison which limits my spirit. Others have taught me my body is the love of my life. What I know is that my body is what it is at any moment of my existence and it is what houses my spirit which lives within it. Whether it is a panacea or a prison, I have come to this place where I must appreciate and enjoy it for what it is while my spirit is in it.
Read moreHow do you heal a broken heart?
The other morning, I found myself hearing this song from my past, how do you heal a broken heart? As I listened to it, I came to realize that it has been a while since my heart had been broken, at least in a relationship. So I am sitting here glancing at my wife and partner in life of 11 years now and realizing just how blessed I am to have so much love in my life. I never thought I would find someone to share my life with who would love me unconditionally for who I am. I am so grateful the Universe found a way of bringing us together across the miles.
Read moreHow do you get to Carnegie Hall?
I remember hearing this joke once on a Meg Christian and Chris Williamson CD. They said, “How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice. It seems like a good part of my life I have practiced some very negative feelings and behaviors to the place I have mastered them. I had reached a place where I did not need to practice feeling lack, or doubt, or worry, or having a low self-esteem, or thinking I was stupid or unattractive. I had practiced them so long that I had mastered them.
Read moreWho am I talking with?
When I am sitting in a room with others, then I know who I am speaking to and hopefully I know who is listening. However, there are times that I hear myself speaking and there are not words coming out of my mouth. It is at that time, I realize that many of the conversations I have in life are with me. Sometimes those conversations are about things I need to do. Like this morning, I was telling myself what I needed to accomplish today. Other times, however, I find myself critically listening to what I am saying in my brain and deciding if I believe what I am saying.
Read moreTo the love of my life,
Dear Body,
I have been encouraging everyone to write love letters to themselves. However, it has been a while; if I ever have, that I have taken the time to let you know how much I love you. You have been with me from the moment I was born and will be with me to the moment I move to the next phase of my spiritual journey. No matter where I have lived, who I have loved, what I have been doing, you have been with me and loved me unconditionally.
Read moreThe Power of Respect
I have been thinking a lot about respecting myself. One of the most powerful things I ever read in one of Don Miguel Ruiz’s books was that others can only abuse you to the level you are willing to abuse yourself. Abuse is a form of disrespect. I can take that term, substitute it into Don Miguel’s writing, and say others can only disrespect me to the level I am willing to disrespect myself. If I allow others to treat me in a way that violates my agreements, then I disrespect myself.
Read moreThe Dream of the Planet: Yours, Mine, and Ours
One of the basic concepts in Toltec Wisdom is “the dream of the planet.” In The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Toltec Wisdom, it is defined as “The combined energetic structure of beliefs, rules, and concepts that all the humans on our planet simultaneously dream and project onto our constrained reality.” looking at this definition, it can seem so overwhelming and difficult to understand. However, as I have come to understand it is that it occurs anytime two beings choose to connect with each other. When we connect, we have an exchange of energies and understandings, which flow between us. What stays in our relationship is that which we agree to or say yes to. What does not continue to be present in our relationship is that which we say no to. If we are still thinking about whether or not to keep it as part of our dream, it stays a maybe, but we have not yet decided to make it a part of the dream of our planet.
Read moreIt is only a door.
This morning I was watching a video at the Academy of Awareness called “The Patch.” In the video, Don Miguel Ruiz Jr told this story about his grandmother saying that her husband was like a patch. She could sew him on or cut him off. He was nothing more then a path. As he talked about it, I found myself thinking about how for some people I am nothing more then a patch. For me, those in my life are nothing but a patch. A patch is just that. It is an object. Whether I attach meaning to it or not, is about me. How I react to it or feel about it is about me. His story about the patch reminded me of a poem by Adrienne Rich called “prospective immigrants, please note.”
Read moreStarting with Maybe
One of the things I love about teaching is providing my students with the skills to start with maybe. It is a gift I have had to work on and am still working on in my own life. I have found there are some people in my life who because I have agreed with what they said most of the time, I tend to start by believing what they say all the time. Conversely, there have been those in my life with whom I have disagreed the majority of the time, so with them I found it easy to disagree with whatever they have to say before they say it. All this changed for me when I started teaching critical thinking skills to my students.
Read moreThe truth will set you free!
This is one of those phrases most people have heard and may not know where it came from. When I went to seek out the source myself, I was reminded that it came from the New Testament and was a part of a scripture. Here the writer was saying that knowing Jesus would set you free. However, that is not how most people use it today. For example, in one of Oprah Winfrey’s life classes she used this to assist people in talking about how keeping secrets deeply hidden have impacted their life. Don Miguel Ruiz talks about the truth setting you free as the need to stop lying to one’s self and thus ending the suffering we create for ourselves.
Read moreAuthenticity and Relationship
So often, we do not think about what we want or need in a relationship. Some of us are so hungry for a relationship that we settle for the first person to come along because we are afraid we will never find anyone else to love us. It is that fear that persuades us to stay in relationships that are not what we need and are often times abusive and neglectful. In those relationships, we do not have an authentic relationship with the person we are with, nor do we have an authentic relationship with ourselves. I would like to believe that most people do not want a relationship that is abusive, neglectful, and disrespectful.
Read moreIt’s all about perspective.
The other day someone asked me how I see their life. I found this a difficult question to answer. How I see their life is about me and has nothing to do with them. How I write my story is about me and would most likely be very different from how others would write the story of my life. Why? Simple, it is all about perspective. I would write the story of my life based on who I am at this very point in time and the perspective I have of my own life. Come back in 5 minutes or 5 years and the way I tell my story may be quite different. Why? This is because I may or may not have the same perspective.
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